BY SEBASTIAN AGUILAR

Good morning, citizens. It is once again time to receive your government-mandated food opinions. 

The culinary division of the State Propaganda Department is on thin ice with our glorious leader because  his nephew is the creator of the Uncured Ham Rollups Uncrustables (which we gave a scathing review of last week). Despite our f*ck-up, in his infinite kindness, he has given us one last chance. To avoid any more of our families “disappeared,” we have decided to review his niece’s favorite snack, Lunchables. 

Ham and American Cracker Stackers

Despite being associated with the democratic swine in America, these are an absolute classic and are worthy of any young fascist’s lunch box. To be fair, it’s hard, nay impossible, to go wrong with crackers, ham and cheese. Even the Americans could do it! 5/5

Nachos

Nachos have been around as long as our glorious leader has been in power (That is to say since 2019). Lunchables has perfected the craft with cheese that looks glossy like plastic and tastes like it too. The combo has been done to death over the years, but somehow we can’t get enough. 5/5 

Ultimate Nachos 

How could you make the nachos even better? Put more of them in the box and throw in a cola! We at the State Propaganda Department curse the day these were ripped from shelves due to childhood obesity concerns! 6/5

Breakfast Lunchables (Waffles, Pancakes, Cinnamon Rolls)

Nothing says “breakfast” like food that literally has lunch in the name. Should’ve been named “Breakfastables,” but we digress. These guys know how to do breakfast: with as much sugar as humanly possible. Eating pancakes? Throw some icing on there! And you know what? Have some Lifesavers on the side! By the time you’re finished with these, you’ll need a lifesaver. 7/5 

FUNFUEL™ 2 Chicken Wraps

Not sure where FUNFUEL™ 1 is, but these chicken wraps probably one-up the original in every conceivable way. Our leader’s niece has impeccable taste when it comes to snacks. 8/5

Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza

It truly is deep! As a former Chicagoland resident now residing in our glorious fascist empire I can say with certainty that THIS is deep dish done right! The cheese is certainly on the pizza and the sauce is also there… You know what? No. I can’t bring myself to say these blasphemous words. This pizza is absolute dog sh*t. There, I said it. None of these — aside from the cracker stackers — were worth swallowing. Breakfast shouldn’t be sickeningly sweet, those nachos should have been banned way sooner, and what the hell happened to FUNFUEL™ 1? 

What has our glorious empire come to that the Emperor in all his wisdom is forcing his own countrymen to eat this drivel!? Clearly there must be a better way! The power to tell the people what to eat shouldn’t belong to one man but should be shared amongst those who actually dine on it!

The time has come! We the people must rise up in a Communist revolution, babyyyyyyyy! 

We have nothing to lose but our culinary chains. The Ham and American Cracker Stackers will be our sustenance as we march toward the capital to take back the power for the people to eat good food. Join us brethren, and never be forced to eat FUNFUEL™ 2 Chicken Wraps again.