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Dear Mom and Dad,

My first two weeks at Xavier have been great. My classes have been going well, I’ve joined a few clubs and I’ve even made a few friends. But to be perfectly honest, some of the people here and the things they do are kind of weird.

For starters, everyone seems to be doing some sort of half-assed doctor cosplay. I know that nursing is a popular major at Xavier, but it’s a little ridiculous. Every single person wears a mask! I was even given some when I got here. The lounge in my dorm hall looks like the extras’ dressing room for Scrubs. Dress for the job you want, I guess.

I also remember you warning me about avoiding drugs and alcohol, but it looks like the main vice on campus is hand sanitizer. These people are completely addicted. They’ve created slang for it, like “germ juice,” “Satan’s sani” and “Purell-a de Vil.” I’ve even heard rumors that they’ve filled the swimming pool in the HUB with hand sanitizer instead of water. What is with these people?

The people here also have reverse personal space issues. Instead of getting too close, they stay really far away. They’re like deer; one small movement, and they all go running. I reached out to shake the hand of a person I met in my English class, and he took a step back and just stared at me. His cold, blue eyes peering over the top of his mask screamed at me, questioning what I had done: How could I have done it? Did I not understand the magnitude of my action? It was kind of weird.

And finally, they all love this thing called Zoom. It’s basically Skype, and I have a bunch of my classes through it. I think the reason everyone loves it so much is that we can all pretend to be in class when we’re actually watching Avatar: The Last Airbender in another tab. I haven’t learned a dang word of Spanish, but I have learned how to air bend, so that’s something.

Xavier has some weird traditions, but I’ll get used to them. I knew that college would be a big adjustment, even if this hasn’t been exactly what I expected. The one thing that concerns me is that if this is what Xavier students are like in August, they must get really weird during basketball games.


Your Second Favorite Child

(Seth Ellis)


Aries: Drop that course you’re struggling in. If you want to be hopelessly confused for two and half hours, just go watch Tenet. 

Taurus: No matter how stupid you are, remember there will always be someone stupider. A not-insignificant number of people asked if the “socially-distant fight club” from last week’s DoorDash article was real.

Gemini: Stop recommending your weird music to everyone. No one wants to listen to your underground experimental psychedelic horror pop. 

Cancer: Do something crazy during your Zoom class so you can end up on BarstoolXU, the dream of every Xavier student. 

Leo: You may think you’re in a rough situation, but imagine being the person who gets paired with Carol Baskin on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. Dude’s gonna mess up a jazz square and get fed to tigers. 

Virgo: Y’all need Jesus. Watch VeggieTales this week, but only the ones with actual Bible stories. Not just the fun ones where Larry is a superhero. 

Libra: Be a poll worker this year! Andrew Yang wants you to do it, and that man deserves way more than what was given to him. 

Scorpio: Go to King’s Island this weekend! It’s a great chance to catch COVID-19 while standing in a two hour line to go on The Great Pumpkin coaster. 

Sagittarius: If you ever feel useless, just remember that there was a superhero in Sky High whose power was to turn into a guinea pig.  

Capricorn: Become a LEGO guy. There’s a sick new Diagon Alley set, and it’s only $400!!!

Aquarius: Go out to The Lateral this weekend! That’s right, I just called it The Lateral. I’m not a degenerate who shortens it to “Lateral” for the sake of one syllable. 
Pisces: Be kind this week. When your edgy art friend makes a weird zine, at least try to pretend it’s good.