Features

An alternative presidential candidate

BY BRENDAN SHAUGHNESSY

Photo courtesy of @stevelikescups on Twitter

Tired of feeling like your choices this election are limited between the two major candidates? It’s okay, we hear you, which is why we wanted to shed some light on an amazing third party candidate running for office this November: Gary Person, the founder of the Pizza Party who recently put his name in the running. 

Many voters had never heard of Gary or the Pizza Party before he decided to run, which is why we reached out for an interview with the mysterious politician. 

My first impression of Gary exemplified how different he was from career politicians. Not only was I taken aback by his request to meet at Chuck E. Cheese, but I was also shocked by his appearance. Instead of showing up in a black suit and blue tie, Gary wore a baggy trench coat that went from his neck down to his light-up Amazing Spiderman Skechers. 

As we sat down to eat, I asked about his lack of previous political positions, but Mr. Person assured me that he was a good fit for office because he has an uncle who works for Nintendo. 

In regards to his foreign policy, he stated that “Kim Jong Un is uninvited to my birthday party.” He then went into great detail about how cool his birthday party will be because his mom was renting a bouncy castle. 

Unlike most political candidates, Mr. Person is in favor of completely revamping our education system. He noted how  he wants to introduce ideas like extended recess and firing Mrs. Thorton, a first-grade teacher at Normandy Elementary School in Centreville, Ohio. I was also impressed with Mr. Person’s healthcare plan, claiming he would advocate for  no more shots at the doctor’s office, replacing them with  extra stickers and lollipops. 

Finally, I got into the hard-hitting questions, asking about the Black Lives Matter protests. Mr. Person floored me with his response, “All people look different but are also the same and we should treat others how we want to be treated… except for girls cause they are icky and have cooties.” 

After this statement I had a boatload of additional questions, but he informed me he had to leave because it was almost his bedtime. 

My perception of Mr. Person truly changed after talking with him . I went from making fun of his boyish features to realizing how important his youthful optimism is. I believe Gary Person is the presidential candidate this country needs.

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