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Who’s the funkiest bunch in town?

By Mariette Waterhouse
The last known sighting of Abducted Funk.

Five disco bands were judged by a panel of qualified and intelligent judges (me, myself and I) to determine once and for all who is the funkiest bunch in town.

5. Inverted Kazoo is at the bottom of our list. Not because their music is bad, but simply for the reason that I’m tired of having to explain to my family that it’s a band and not a weird sex thing.

4. Abducted Funk. Sorry fans, but your favorite quintet is placed very close to the bottom of our list. They would be higher up on the list… if all five members hadn’t been kidnapped last week.

3. Red Bag of Love. Unfortunately, after the failure of their last album, The Love Juice of Funk, RBL hasn’t been able to find their footing. Critics think perhaps The Love Juice was just too slippery.

2. Attendees of Agile Wombat’s last concert will know that indeed, the wombat is frighteningly agile.

1. Coming into our number one slot is Vibes Except Tasty. They’re the newest band on the disco scene and the highest on our list, and what can we say? With cookies at a concert, those are indeed some tasty vibes.

Inverted Kazoo, doing a weird sex thing.

Groovyscopes

The eponymous Agile Wombat.

Aries: Don’t catch COVID-19 by going to the disco on Friday. You don’t want some sort of Saturday Night Fever.

Taurus: It’s time for bell bottoms to make a comeback for girls AND guys. Guys deserve to let their ankles breathe too, damn it! 

Gemini: Drop acid this weekend. You may or may not mess up your brain chemistry, but you’ll definitely make a sick three-hour concept album.

Vibes Except Tasty getting ready to serve you up a tasty knuckle sandwich.

Cancer: Demand satisfaction from life with the same ferocity in which funk artists demand more funk.

Leo: Don’t give in to peer pressure. Just because everyone was kung-fu fighting doesn’t mean you need to as well. 

Virgo: The war on drugs is over, and drugs have won. Celebrate by smoking a joint while flipping off a picture of Richard Nixon. 

Libra: You can’t solve all your problems with a disco demolition night. Only most of them. 

Scorpio: You may hate the Village People, but they’ll never be as bad as people who live in the Village Apartments. Those “Village People” think they’re hot shit. 

Sagittarius: Don’t be sad That ‘70s Show was taken off Netflix — be glad you’ll never have to watch that horrendous last season ever again. 

Capricorn: These protests won’t be complete until some hippie does a bed-in. And no, you sleeping until 3:00 in the afternoon doesn’t count. 

Aquarius: Go to a roller disco this weekend! It’s like ice skating, but when you fall and break your arm you can’t tell anyone how it happened.

Pisces:


Fictionary

Groovometry Edition

By Tess brewer, Staff writer

Abbacursed (ah-BAH-cur-/s/ed):

  1. The inability to do math above the number 10 without the use of a calculator
  2. When the soundtrack of Mamma Mia has been perpetually stuck in one’s head over a period of two months — extremely debilitating 

Isosleys (eye-SAUCE-lees): 

  1. Incredibly rare fourth side of the triangle (mathematicians hate her!) 
  2. Destruction on the atomic level caused by the extended repetition of the “A Little Bit Louder Now” on the song “Shout, Pts. 1 & 2.” DJs everywhere remember the Great Isosleys of ‘61, and beware. 

Triggee (trih-GEE): 

  1. Denotes a very difficult problem/proof, specifically within trigonometry
  2. High stress situation (ex: trigonometry) that causes one’s voice to emit many short, high pitched “ha” sounds at ‘Barry Gibb frequency’  

Ex: Due to the triggee question on Reginald’s math coursework, he found himself making very loud triggees in the middle of the GSC.