WRITTEN BY: Griffin Brammer, Staff Writer

LEGO Tiananmen Square

The folks at LEGO believed this would have been a smash hit, had it not been for several Chinese stockholders lobbying that the set would be “too boring for kids.” When asked to clarify further, all they had to say was “absolutely nothing of importance happened there in 1989.”

LEGO Ford Theater, 1865

In a continued effort to celebrate American history, this set was rumored to have been released. The only reason it was canned was because apparently it was “too soon” to make light of the assassination, despite it happening almost 160 years ago. That, and they couldn’t agree on the right amount of grey matter to splatter on Mary Todd’s little, round, yellow head.

LEGO City: Red Light District

As a continuation of the ever-expanding Lego City universe, LEGO wanted their world to feel more fleshed out and focus on the unsung heroes keeping the average city alive. Unfortunately for those silly Danish boys, a quick Google search revealed that the red lights in question alluded to brothels and whorehouses, and were not, in fact, a district full of traffic light repairmen.

LEGO Friends: Stephanie’s little miracle!

When LEGO first released their series of LEGO sets designed specifically for girls, the original plan was to have the LEGO Friends girls grow with their consumers, so they were always relevant. Although this idea very quickly hit the brakes when it was decided that a LEGO Friends teen pregnancy set would encourage “immoral behaviour”… due to Olivia wearing a “revealing” halter top to visit Stephanie in the labor room.

LEGO Office and LEGO Parks and Rec

With the recent release of the LEGO Central Perk from the hit TV show, Friends, LEGO thought it would be a good idea to capitalize off of another hit show. Ideas sprung up for an Office set and a Parks and Rec set, however CEO of LEGO Neils B. Christiansen canned them all, stating, “No more basic b*tch shows. Millennials have ruined just about everything I love, and the last thing I need is for them to gentrify my company just so they can get their slimy mitts on a Dwight Schrute minifigure.” Now, talk about a Community set is rumored to still be in the works.