LEGO sets that should exist
Written by: Brendan Shaughnessy
Johnny Sins Lego Minifigures
He’s been a doctor, an astronaut, a veteran, a teacher and more. It’s time for LEGO to pay some respect to one of the most versatile men in pornography.
There are countless examples of minifigures that could share the iconic bald head of Johnny Sins. It’s pretty clear that not making a Johnny Sins minifigure sold alongside a gray couch would be leaving money on the table.
A more realistic LEGO City
Ever since appearing in 1992, LEGOCity has been one of the brand’s most popular sets. Some famous LEGOCity sets allow you to adorn your city with firetrucks, rescue helicopters, hospitals and more.
But LEGOCity can often miss out on some of the more realistic aspects of a city. I want to see my LEGOCity sets include everything from homelessness caused by poverty, to drug dealing in the alley way, even to realistic bank robberies — hostages included. Hopefully LEGO City will stop denying these problems and start showing off the less glamorous parts of its city.
Joker (2019) LEGO set
It was one of the most popular movies of last year, so there’s no good reason for not to cash in on this film’s success. The Joker is already bright and colorful, making him very good at catching the attention of kids, and who could blame them? What kid wouldn’t want to pretend to give a valid critique about a society that mistreats and abandons them before murdering a guy live on-air? Come on, I wasn’t the only moody teenager.
LEGO Ancient Egypt
Is there any better way to get kids interested in history than with LEGOs? Imagine being a kid building massive pyramids out of LEGOs, playing with mummified minifigures and sacrificing children in hopes of a good harvest. This would be a blast for kids and could get them excited to learn.
Passion of the LEGO
Since the turn of the century, the image of the Catholic Church has been in a sharp decline due to, you know, the whole molesting kids thing. The church needs to find a new way for kids to engage in religion without traumatizing them. Passion of the LEGO would include sets of the Last Supper, the cross which Jesus was crucified on and minifigures of important apostles, such as Judas and Peter. I mean, when you think about it, LEGOs already have holes in their hands, so designing a set for the crucifixion would be child’s play.
Aries: Minifigures live the saddest life. They spend all their time in their apartments that are only, like, two rooms big… wait did I say Minifigures? I meant college students.
Taurus: You are way too old for LEGOs. If you want to follow Swedish building instruction manuals, just buy IKEA furniture.
Gemini: Kids who grew up playing with LEGO are proven to be 30% smarter. But you don’t have to worry about that cause you’re one of those kids who grew up playing with Megablocks.
Cancer: Why do you read these horoscopes and the ones in other newspapers? That’s as redundant as playing with Minecraft LEGOs. Just play the actual game, damn it.
Leo: You might as well stop going on YouTube at this point. It will never again reach the golden age it once had when everything was stop-motion LEGO animations.
Virgo: Don’t be embarrassed. Nothing will ever be as embarrassing as that time your mom had to drive you to the hospital to get a Minifigure surgically removed from your colon.
Libra: You may love your significant other, but do they love you enough to buy you the $5,000 Collector’s Edition Millenium Falcon LEGO set? Your birthday is coming up soon, so I suppose we’ll find out.
Scorpio: If you ever feel down, just remember that you are a rare soul. Not as rare as the legendary 2×2 sand-green rounded-corner brick that was only produced between 2000 and 2002, but still rare.
Sagittarius: If you think you’re heartless, just remember that someone OK-ed a LEGO Toy Story 3 trash compactor set. You know, the scene where all your beloved childhood characters almost die in a fiery abyss.
Capricorn: They’re making a LEGO set out of everything these days. They just came out with one called “college student reading newspaper horoscopes.”
Aquarius: Damn girl, you change personalities so much, you’d think you were a Minifigure getting your head swapped daily.
Pisces: Appreciate what you’ve got. In your hands you’re holding a LEGO-themed newspaper page. You think the lame-ass Op-Ed section would do that?