Features

5/7 Back Page

2020-2021 Newswire Staff:

Editor-in-Chief: Heather Gast

Managing Editor: Alex Budzynski

Campus News Editor: Joseph Cotton 

US & World News Editor: Mo Juenger

Opinions and Editorials Editor: Charlie Gstalder

Sports Editor: Joe Clark

Arts and Entertainment Editor: Kate Ferrell 

Back Page Editor: Aidan Callahan 

Head Copy Editor: TBD (Could be you!)

Copy Editors: Tess Brewer, Maggie Schroeder and Will Rippey

Online Editor: Mya Priester

Multimedia Manager: Hunter Ellis

Photography Editor: Jeff Richardson

Staff Photographer: Desmond Fischer

Staff Writers: Sebastian Aguilar, David Ludwig, Gus Nation IV, Will Pembroke, Will Rippey, Jacob Smith, Ben Thomson 

Distribution Manager: Joseph Cotton


A Toast and a Roast for our Graduating Seniors

With the semester coming to a close, the Newswire is losing six important people to graduation. It will be the largest land migration in student journalism history. It would be wrong to send them off without acknowledging the hard work they put into making this newspaper great, but it also wouldn’t be the back page if we didn’t poke a little fun in the process. So today we’ve compiled toasts and roasts from the whole back page crew (and a few special guests!) to send them off in a manner that they won’t want but we’re giving to them anyways!

Kevin Thomas, Former Editor-in-Chief

Toasts

The universe has trouble bending around the sheer cosmic intensity of his philosophical tranquility – Tess Brewer, of Fictionary acclaim 

He’s perfected the urban cowboy look – Luke Feliciano, Former Sports Editor and current meal prepping enthusiast

Roasts

Wormholes ripped open by the nature of his existence have a slight tinge of cigarette smoke – TB

Took far too long to locate the hidden picture – LF

Hannah Schulz, Former Head Copy Editor

Toasts

With a palindromic name like that, you know she’s gonna follow through from start to finish – TB

The tightly organized rag-tag crew of copy editors she manages makes me think she would be a good person to call on if I need someone to run a heist – Aidan Callahan, Editor of this silly page 

Roasts

She’s just so awesome that you have to scream a little every time you need to talk to her. “Hann-AH!!” – TB

We get it, you have a new puppy – AC

Jack Dunn, Former World News Editor

Toasts

You know more about Star Wars than I will ever know about anything – Mo Juenger, the underest of classmen 

A literal Jedi who is highly skilled at deflecting Nerf darts with a replica lightsaber – LF

Roasts

I’m very excited to be Dunn with your last-name jokes. – MJ

Always calls me out for my shenanigans and tomfoolery – LF

Look, I love Legos as much as the next guy, I just find it comical that stories about the horrible toll Corona has inflicted upon the world were edited inches above the set of Luke on Dagobah – AC

Sydney Sanders, former Opinions and Editorials Editor

Toasts

A savagely ruthless master of managing opinions – LF

One of my favorite people to fangirl with about anything and everything: Harry Styles, Sofia’s op-eds, Zoo Tycoon, you name it – Alex Budzynski, guy with a last name that is WAY too hard to spell

Roasts

A tad skimpy on the office decorations, sans one delicately crafted drawing – LF

I’ve submitted a 1,000 word opinion piece on why Bernie Sanders should be president every week this year and she still hasn’t published it! – Sebastian Aguilar, Xavier Socialists member

Luke Feliciano, Former Sports Editor

Toasts

He got me Flaming Hot Cheetos socks for Christmas, so I think we’d all agree he won the office Secret Santa – AC 

An absolute beast at headline writing — “No divers, no problems for X” is a personal favorite of mine — and the only one who could use ‘slash’ or ‘ignite’ in a headline – AB

Roasts

Oh, were you not aware Luke is into meal prepping? The editorial staff is aware. I don’t think it would be possible for us to be MORE aware – AC

I have never heard someone use one-liners more casually in my life — they were truly electric – AB

Sofia Ordonez, Former Arts and Entertainment Editor

Toasts

Her charming, lilted voice is a gift to the less sophisticated ears – TB

Writes in an eloquent style I could only wish to try to emulate – LF

Roasts

She takes up all the op ed spots! – LF

Responding to a question she asks too loudly feels like playing “chopsticks” right after somebody has played Chopin – TB


Horoscopes

Aries: Support local business! Check in with your local gentlemen’s club and see if they offer drive-thru services like that one place in Oregon.

Taurus: Celebrate the end of the semester by pairing some quarantine cocktails with your Zoom classes. I’ve personally been living it up with Mimosas and Mythology.

Gemini: Look, I get that you’ve felt underrepresented by the Newswire this year, but we simply can’t appeal to every demographic. How exactly do you want us to incorporate your naturalist lifestyle? A whole section about trees? What would we call it, Arts and ENT-tertainment? Oh dang, I think I’ve actually convinced myself. 

Cancer: Don’t forget to send your professors notes thanking them for all their hard work! You better do it quick — soon they will all return to the coffins in which they slumber for the duration of summer.

Leo: Remember that when life gets crazy you need to keep things sane! Don’t be like the casting director who decided Nicolas Cage would play Joe Exotic. That is just too much crazy.

Virgo: Stephenie Meyer is releasing another Twilight book, so let that be an inspiration for how you live your life. As the old saying goes: “Don’t quit milking the cow ‘till it’s dry.”

Libra: Cut toxic people out of your life, particularly anyone who greeted you on Monday with “May the Fourth be with you!”

Scorpio: Remember to honor this year’s graduating seniors by attending their virtual graduation! It’s in two weeks and it will be on Roblox.

Sagittarius: Twitter has been a little cancel-happy lately, so be careful! The next person to be canceled might be you!

Capricorn: Make sure you study hard for all your finals. You won’t be able to cheat; all your professors will use that “lockdown browser” software. Man, if only your parents used that on you when you were a kid, maybe you wouldn’t have been exposed to the weird stuff that made you who you are today. 

Aquarius: Don’t be afraid to take a long nap if you really need it! Kim Jong Un took a nap so long the whole world thought he was dead and he just rolled out of bed and acted like nothing happened. 

Pisces: Now that the Newswire is taking a break, so will the stars. Any horoscopes you see in another newspaper are just reprints of their old predictions. 


Finaltionary

Scrall (sk-RAWL): Getting stuck in a social media feed so deeply that you lose your sense of time

Kindread (kin-DREAD): Embarrassment at the expense of your family lineage 

“The realization that I was genetically related to my crazy relatives filled me with a sense of kindread” 

Brath (br-AA-th): An exasperated exhale of air in times of frustration; sounds similar to a broken trombone

Pro Lawn-o (pro-LAW-no): Mowing the grass for no charge

Blueswire (bl-OOZE-why-er): The feeling of sadness that overcomes you when you publish the last issue of the semester; also a bi-annual blues-themed magazine

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