Dadtionary by Tess Brewer
Downfalther (down-FALL-ther): Unfortunate, emotional and very cinematic death of a father figure (E.g. Mufasa)
Papace (pah-PACE): swift, uninterrupted gait of a very serious character; also known as “daddy long-legging” (For reference: Darth Vader)
Cadadence (kay-DAD-dence): A very fatherly tone/voice, very authoritative; powerful enough to enter dreams (See: James Earl Jones)
Fadad; Fadaddy (fah-DAD) (fah-dah-DEE): A friend of yours who wears any or all of the following combination of styles:
a. A collared, button down shirt, tucked in — (for untucked hawaiian shirt look, see Floridad)
b. Old denim jeans supported by a thick, thick brown belt with a big, brassy buckle
c. Sandals (Bonus! White socks) (Double bonus! Velcro straps)
d. All of the above — A full force fadaddy ready to awkwardly rock the dance floor🕺
Aries: Your dad hasn’t been taking this quarantine well. Try spending some time with him watching M*A*S*H. Dads love M*A*S*H.
Taurus: You might have a rough relationship with your dad, but consider all the kids who have no relationship with their dad. I bet they’re having a horrible time reading this page!
Gemini: There are two types of dad: the “Mom’s gone, so let’s just order pizza” dad and the “could be a professional chef” dad. If your dad is neither of those, then you’re adopted.
Cancer: Your dad’s cologne smells nice, but it doesn’t represent who he is. Buy him the “freshly mowed grass” collection from Versace.
Leo: You may be lamenting the loss of your summer, but your dad is dealing with a much worse loss: his barbeque season. Try drinking brews and talking to him about the big game to simulate the feeling of his friends coming over for a backyard cookout.
Virgo: We all know dads hate following directions, so refrain from telling them to follow quarantine “guidelines.” Instead, give them a play-by-play from the quarantine playbook.
Libra: The stars see sunshine all week, so if you hear any thunder during the night, that’s just your dad’s monstrous snoring.
Scorpio: Don’t disrespect your dad just cause he doesn’t understand any of your memes. I doubt you could coach a winning little league team.
Sagittarius: Be careful around your dad — his corny jokes are infectious! You might starch telling them yourself! Oh my God… they’ve gotten to me. Tell my family I love them.
Capricorn: At this difficult time, it is important to comfort those who have experienced great loss. Think of all the New England dads who just lost Tom Brady!
Aquarius: Not every dad is the traditional “manly man” I’ve described in previous horoscopes. This one’s for those of you with dads who don’t follow traditional gender roles: You should try turning up the air conditioner in your house. Maybe then your dad could actually be cool. Oh snap! I reeled you in for that one! Hook, line and sinker!
Pisces: You may be considering using Father’s Day to appreciate Father Graham, but this would actually be a flagrant misuse of the holiday. Father’s Day is for appreciating Father B, you should be appreciating Father Graham everyday of your life.
Fun and Fatherly Online Games to Try
Dad ‘n Me – https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/254456
Don’t let the cute art style fool you — this game is not for the faint of heart. It’s a simple “beat ‘em up” where you play as a young boy trying to follow in his father’s footsteps. It just so happens that his father is a blue, skull mask-wearing, hulking beast of a man. So when he drops you off at the playground, your goal isn’t just to kill everyone in sight, but to kill them as efficiently as possible. Experiment with combos and become the scourge of Almond Hands Park.
If Dad ‘n Me was just too normal for your tastes, then don’t worry, Dadgame is even stranger. You play as a dad who just loves to break things, ravaging the city streets and throwing stuff at law enforcement to avoid being caught. I don’t know why every Newground game makes dads out to be destructive figures. Perhaps only people with rough upbringings go on to program browser games.