My Dearest Wyllie Marsellus,
Word has gotten back to me that you are shacked up near Lake MacDonald in Montana, waiting for a harsh storm to pass you by. The rest of us are staying in place near Little Rock. There’s a bug going around making everyone sick so they want us to stay in for now.
We’ve been playing a lot of cards to pass the time. I can finally win a few rounds since you’re not here peeking at other people’s cards. You wouldn’t be so hot these days, anyway. We’ve all mutually agreed that everyone is cheating. It just makes the game more interesting at this point.
When you find your way back down to the Rock after all of this, I’ll make sure to take you down to the saloon for some song and dance. Don’t worry about saving your funds either, it will be on my dime. Just make sure you’re brushing up on your piano. There’s not much I wouldn’t give to hear that sweet tune you always play; something by Chopin, I believe.
In other news, someone shot Sheriff Pat Garrett — the low life who took Billy from us back in New Mexico. Rumor has it that it was Wayne Brazel, but quite frankly, I don’t trust the news that comes from that area these days. They also said he did it in self-defense. Now, that is the biggest crock of cow dung I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, I pray that this letter can reach there fast enough to let you know that you’re in the prayers of your folks in Little Rock. Stay safe and hang in there.
God bless,
Joseph Cotton
Horoscopes
Aries: Y’all best be practicin’ your social distancin’. We don’t wanna be spreadin’ round no scarlet fever!
Taurus: That lady you’ve been seein’ is nothin’ but trouble. She’s got a heart as prickly as the cactus I walked into this morning.
Gemini: Why don’t you pick up some more songs on that there guitar of yours? Your posse is tired of hearing “I Wish I Was in Dixie” every night ‘round the fire.
Cancer: It’s understandable to hate our president at this moment in history. Just when you think he’ll yield, the man raises taxes so he can construct a transcontinental railroad! Thanks, Lincoln.
Leo: The sun ain’t happy with you, son. From now on, it’ll always be high noon for you. Good luck winning all ‘em duels.
Virgo: Don’t get your britches all in a bunch cause some chucklehead called you a cowboy. He ain’t callin you one of those gun-wielding hooligans, he’s complimenting you for being a hardworking member of the dairy industry.
Libra: This week, you’re gonna catch yourself a sweet business deal in an unexpected place. It might not be what you went in for, but trust me — it’s the best thing you’ll catch from that brothel.
Scorpio: Ole’ Mad Dog Wayne Brazel is reckoning to cheat at your upcoming game of Texas Hold ‘Em, but it won’t look like anything to you. He’ll have an ace up his sleeve, and the trick is to play so bad that he wins the whole pot and leaves the table before he has a chance to play it.
Sagittarius: This is the first time in ten years that this here town went a month without a shootout in one of the saloons. It shouldn’t take a quarantine, folks.
Capricorn: Today might not be the best day to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Maybe spend some time fixing up those droids with your uncle instead.
Aquarius: There’s gold in them thar hills if you’re brave enough to go lookin’. But first, go look in on your Capricorn friend; that ole’ kook can’t seem to stay on theme.
Pisces: Stay outta trouble, you don’t wanna have to hear from Deputy Graham. Now, you may be wondering, “If Father Graham’s the deputy, then who’s the sheriff?” God himself.
Fictionary by Tess Brewer
Yee-naw (Yee-naw): When the wild west is not at its wild best; a failure to vibe
Impasserado (im-pass-er-a-doh): Just one chill and laid back buckaroo; most at ease when sitting lazily on a horse
Fariddle (Farr-ii-dull): Uncanny ability to pass gas that sounds like the strum of a fiddle, a very attractive trait in the old west
Bullman (Bull-man): A fully-grown cowboy
Arachmare (A-rack-mare): A rare condition which inflicts one with continued nightmares, all exclusively containing the giant steam powered spider from the 1999 film “Wild Wild West” (starring Will Smith)
Wild and Western Games to Try
Smokin’ Barrels – https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/410537
Rustle up your best point-and-click skills for this shooter where you play as a young up-and-comer on the dual scene. Try to make your way up the ladder of gunslingers before you run out of money or lose one too many standoffs.
Long Way – https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/584831
We’ve all played Bloons Tower Defense. This game is that, but with cowboys. It’s a little violent (especially for an “E” rating from Newgrounds) but if you can look past that it’s a fun cowboy-themed way to kill time.