The Ultimate Frank Show Down by Jacob Smith 

You’ve heard of beef franks, now get ready for Frank beefs

I, like you, have been stuck on the couch endlessly binging shows like Seinfeld, 30 Rock and Ozark, and I recently came to the realization that the name Frank appears a lot in TV shows. This got me thinking: who would win in a fight to the death between all the Franks? I compiled 15 of TV’s most notable Franks to determine who would win a Hunger Games-esque fight to the death.

First Death: Frank (30 Rock)

Frank from 30 Rock dies immediately after running for the first time since 2003. His hat reads ‘Frank You’.

Second Death: Frank (Rick and Morty)

The first alliance is between the elderly Franks: Frank from Everyone Loves Raymond, Frank from MASH and Frank Costanza from Seinfeld. They’re trading ‘Nam stories when Frank, Morty’s bully calls them ‘Boomers’. Frank Costanza beats him to death with the Festivus pole, screaming “Serenity Now!”

Third Death: Frank (The Office)

Frank Underwood from House of Cards recruits the mobsters Frank Cosgrove Jr. (Ozark) and Frank Sinatra Jr. (who played himself in an episode of Sopranos). They kill Frank from The Office. You don’t remember Frank from The Office? Guess you’ll have to rewatch it a twelfth time instead of something new and exciting.

Fourth Death: Frank (Simpsons)

Frank Gallagher (Shameless) has teamed up with Franklin from Peanuts because he reminds him of his son, Liam. They come across Frank (Simpsons) who is badly damaged from falling out of a tree. Franklin wants to help, but Frank instead robs the cartoon and leaves him to die.

Fifth, Sixth, Seventh Deaths: Old Franks (Seinfeld, Raymond, MASH)

The old team of Franks meet the very charming Frank Underwood. He convinces them he wants to join their team, and right as Costanza lowers the Festivus pole, Frank (Ozarks) proceeds to shoot all three of the men. Frank (Everyone Loves Raymond) acknowledges that getting shot is less painful than his wife’s cooking

Eighth, Ninth, Tenth Deaths: Mobster Franks (Ozarks, Sopranos, House of Cards)

The Punisher (Frank Castle) sees Frank Underwood and knows about the allegations against him. So he does what the Punisher does best and punishes all of the mobsters.

Eleventh Death: Franklin (Peanuts)

While trying to distill moonshine using dismantled machinery, Shameless Frank accidentally causes an explosion, killing Franklin. Frank is impaled with shrapnel, which is a normal Tuesday for him. Luckily, he managed to produce a bottle of moonshine to keep him going.

Twelfth, Thirteen Deaths: The Punisher, Franklin the Turtle

The Punisher finds Franklin the Turtle hiding in his shell behind a couch. Shells don’t protect you from an assault rifle. But before he can pull the trigger, Franklin sticks his head out partially. The Punisher recognizes those eyes from watching TV with his kids. The Punisher drops his gun. Then Frank Reynolds from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia jumps out of the couch, naked, and grabs Franklin’s shell and beats the Punisher to death with it. He then eats the poor turtle.

Finale: Frank (It’s Always Sunny) vs. Frank (Shameless)

At the end of the bloodbath, the two greatest television Franks finally meet each other deep in the jungle. It’s impossible to predict who would win this final showdown; both men would be dead if the universe were fair, so I leave the decision up to you, dear Newswire reader. Philadelphia vs. Southside Chicago: Who wins? Vote now on the Newswire twitter: @xaviernewswire.

Fictionary by Tess Brewer

Frivioli (fri-vi-OH-lee): Usage of pasta for any reason other than to eat.

 “The American school system needs to stop making macaroni art part of the curriculum- it’s so frivioli.”

Torsogue (tor-SOW-guh): Current fashion trend; consists of dressing only the top half of the body for a professional appearance in video conferencing. 

Pandamonium (pan-DA-mo-nee-um): Technical term for a very loud and rowdy group of pandas, the bane of zoos everywhere.

Musick (muse-ICK): Physical sickness caused by repetitive strumming/honking/squeaking/wailing/etc. of a sibling’s newly acquired instrument.

“Hey bro, I think it’s great that you’re trying new things and picking up guitar, but if you keep playing the same three chords over and over again, I’m gonna be musick.”

Horoscopes

Aries: Do more to make your life worthy of a Netflix docuseries. This doesn’t necessarily mean murder – you could try doing drugs, too. 

Taurus: Be careful about violating school policy, even at home. I wouldn’t put it past Res Life to write someone up over a Zoom call. 

Gemini: You need to stop worrying about how you look. You will never be as attractive as the Green M&M, so why even bother?

Cancer: You are an empty husk of a man. Looking at you is like passing a ski trail during the summer when it just looks like huge wasted tracts of deforested land. 

Leo: Quit worrying so much about your intelligence. You can at least form comprehensible sentences, which is more than can be said about the presumptive Democratic nominee. 

Virgo: Mercury looked into your future. You’re going to grow up to be the manager in every music biopic who tells the main character “You’ll never be a star sounding like that! Ya gotta give the people what they want!”

Libra: You and your family went way too hard on your Easter celebration. I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t even leave the tomb. Y’all should have taken a year off. 

Scorpio: The stars can see that the investments you just made won’t turn a profit and will, in fact, lose you a lot of money. This begs the question of why they didn’t warn you about this last week, but they were busy telling you what meme you are.

Sagittarius: After all that Team Snapchat has done for you, you’re just gonna skip through the special video they sent you on Easter and not even reply? You are a rude boy.

Capricorn: Hold on to your VHS’s. Saturn predicts that after the apocalypse they will become the world’s sole form of currency. 

Aquarius: You have humor inside of you that you’re afraid to let out. Have faith in yourself and let your jokes be heard. Trust me, whatever you say will be funnier than these horoscopes. 

Pisces: You need to lighten up. The stars heard you tell somebody that your favorite movie is Father Graham’s video address from a few weeks back.

Fun and Free Online Games to Try

“The Heist 2” – https://www.crazygames.com/game/the-heist-2 – Plan elaborate heists and then make a mad dash from the police as the getaway driver for your crew. The game is half managing your criminal enterprise, half action-packed driving and the two perfectly complement each other as you heist your way to becoming a millionaire. 

“Bunnie’s Carrot” – https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/751050 – This puzzle platformer is short and sweet. The gameplay is simple, but there are a few surprises throughout that keep the game interesting as you guide Bunnie through his quest to eat a carrot.