Features

Back Page 4/29/2021

Farewell, Father G

By Aidan Callahan and the Back Page Crew
Artist’s rendition of what Father Graham may have looked like in college.

I’ve spent the last two years roasting our school’s president, Father Michael Graham, on this page for absolutely no reason. I guess I just thought it was fun to goof about such a holy man in such a high position.

I wanted to hear his voice on the page before he was gone for good. I considered how I could prank him; I even considered playing a game of MASH with him. But ultimately, I decided just to talk to the man. I genuinely wanted to find out who he is. And what I discovered is that Father Graham is a lot cooler than I ever gave him credit for. 

So, take a peek at some of the interesting stuff he had to say, organized into sections for your convenience. My questions are bolded; Father Graham’s responses are not.

Father Graham on the Back Page

So I write the Back Page, which is the silly stuff at the end of the paper.

Right, the potpourri. You’ve figured out that I’m a Pisces, because I show up in the Pisces horoscope often.

I’m so glad you said that, because my next question was going to be: have you been noticing that I’ve been calling you out for the past two years?

Oh yeah, it comes up from time to time. Sometimes it’s been kind of like an “Ooh, really?” but by and large, it’s been funny.

Yeah, sometimes I try to see if I do something ridiculous enough if you’ll reach out and say something.

I learned a long time ago not to do that. You know, it’s like what Mark Twain said: to never argue with a man who buys printer ink by the barrel. That can end up going south in a very quick way.

Father Graham the Hippie

You were a teenager in the ‘60s, so were you a part of the hippie movement?

Actually, when I was in college, I had hair longer than yours.

Really!?

Oh yeah. I burned the pictures. They don’t exist.

*Sound of disappointment*

I know, I know. I was thinking about this: I grew up when the Bob Dylan records were coming out. I was waiting for each new one to come out, thinking, “What’s going to happen next?” and then out comes John Wesley Harding… I am very grateful to have grown up in the musical culture of the ‘60s. I remember the first time I listened to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and at the end of it going, “What just happened?”

Father Graham Loves TV [Warning: GoT spoilers]

Do you watch any TV shows or anything like that?

I was a huuuge Game of Thrones fan and followed that religiously. I thought the last show ended at the right place, but it cut corners to get there. It was trying to keep you guessing, so it couldn’t make Danaerys Targaeryn out to be the maniac she needed to become, so people were really pissed off that Dany became a murderer.

I totally agree, I feel like if they had just split that season into two it would have been much better. 

Right! Right! Exactly, it needed to lead up to it more. 

So right now I’ve got Disney+, so I could watch The Mandalorian. Love The Mandalorian. I went through WandaVision, which was fabulous. I liked Winter Soldier a lot; it’s more of a standard MCU (project). 

You know, I realized I hadn’t seen all of the MCU movies in order, so I just watched Iron Man 3 last night which is really good! Ben Kingsley is awesome. He’s got a role to die for. Tonight is Thor 2, which is a low point.

Famously. Are you doing one movie a night?

Yeah, I don’t really start watching movies until 7:30 p.m. and then by 9:30 or 10 p.m., it’s beddy-bye time.

Father Graham on Us

Do you think there’s a difference between kids on campus now versus back in the ‘80s, or are there more similarities than people would think?

There’s both. You’re children of social media, and so that has redefined your world in fundamental ways, for good and ill… There’s more of you, by far. You’re much more diverse. You’re much better prepared to adapt to a college experience. 

The similarities are still the same: you’re away from home, you’re able to break out of whatever that box was and the question is, ‘how do I redefine myself?’ 

That’s why working with you people is so fun. You’re at this protean stage in your lives where what’s at stake is you and what your future will be and what you’ll become.

Father Graham’s Favorite Joke

A Jesuit, a Franciscan and a Dominican are given the grace of being transported back to the moment where Mary gives birth to Jesus. The Franciscan falls on his knees in company with the animals and the smell of the barn, communing with the hay and giving thanks to God for this great blessing. The Dominican falls on his knees and worships the second part of the Trinity made flesh for us and our salvation. The Jesuit goes up to St. Joseph and says, “So… where are you sending the boy to school?”

In conclusion…

My main take-away from this interview was that maybe I’ve been a little harsh on Father G. He’s such a cool guy that I bet he wouldn’t even mind me calling him “Father G.” 

There was a lot of great content I had to cut from this article, especially about his eclectic music taste, but the full interview will be available on Newswire social media soon.

In the meantime, I’ve created a playlist as tribute to Father Graham featuring all his favorite music, from Chicago blues to Radiohead. You can find the link here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7GURMncj20dEBHOKeivXyT

And thank you, dear reader, for reading this silly page this year. Make sure to tune in next semester for more ridiculousness.


Horoscopes

Aries: Remember that dreams do come true. I never thought I’d get Father Graham to interview for this silly page, but here we are. 

Taurus: Your knowledge of international affairs will decrease exponentially this summer. How are you supposed to keep up without the Newswire World News page?

Gemini: If you missed Xavier Fest this year, don’t worry; the stars know how to recreate the experience. Simply stand in the rain and listen to artists on Spotify with fewer than 100 monthly listeners. 

Cancer: On laundry day, you’re allowed to wear whatever you want. Go ahead and wear your BTS stan T-shirt and Cookie Monster pajama pants, only God will judge you. 

Leo: While Joe Rogan has discouraged kids our age getting the vaccine, the sun has encouraged it. It’s up to you to decide which hairless ball of hot air you want to listen to.

Virgo: Before you leave, make sure to send a thank you note to Res Life. They’ve had a difficult year handing out fines to dirty hippies who dare smoke weed on campus. 

Libra: Don’t dream too big: you’ll never be a famous YouTuber. At most you’ll be one of David Dobrik’s lackeys. If you’re extra lucky, he won’t body-check you into an excavator. 

Scorpio: The stars are pissed that there are more than 6,000 students at Xavier but not one gang of groovy mystery solvers unmasking old rich dudes dressed as ghosts. Make it happen, Scorpios. 

Sagittarius: With the weather finally warming up it’s time to change up your style. Out with the sweatpants, in with the sweat stains 😎.

Capricorn: Finals are coming up, but don’t stress yourself out by studying too much. Saturn’s seen your future, and you’ll fail either way.

Aquarius:  Next semester, the stars will give you real horoscopes again. But for now: اللعنة عليك برج الدلو قطعة من القرف
Pisces: Don’t buy NFTs. The only JPEGs worth $200 can be found on Father Graham’s OnlyFans.

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