Features

Back Page: July 2021

Nearly 10 tips to beat summertime FOMO

By Sebastian Aguilar, Audio Editor

Scrolling through Instagram right now is rough, especially for those of us who don’t have disposable income to blow on spontaneous trips to Colorado with their best friends.

Since you probably live in a sleepy suburb somewhere, here are some Instagram-able activities you can do to strike jealousy into those lake house-havers and Miami Beach-going jabronies. 

  1. Hang out at Walmart at two in the morning and race your friends on those motorized carts.
  2. Play the Wii in your friend’s basement — the one they still have from 2007.
  3. Grab a friend and just drive on one street for as long as that street will take you. Choose a main street but not a highway — this way you can see just how depressingly boring the place you live in is. 

Don’t have friends? Well, I should’ve guessed since you actually read the school paper. Lucky for you, you don’t need friends to beat FOMO. You just need creative thinking. 

  1. Drown your sorrows in booze and then drunkenly post yourself messing with fireworks to your real Instagram (thinking it’s your fInsta). 
  2. Get arrested for arson because your drunken fireworks shenanigans caused some “mild” property damage.
  3. Get sent to prison for one to five years. You’ll get the clout you desperately desire when everyone’s posting on their stories saying, “FREE MY SLIME! THEY DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.”
  4. Enjoy prison. Good luck explaining that you committed arson for Instagram clout. 
  5. Break out of prison with your prison significant other. Triumphantly return to Instagram and post a picture of your prison gang, with the caption: “I was behind bars, but starting now I’m gonna be among the stars,” thus triggering your followers’ notification that you just posted for the first time in a while. 

Still got FOMO? Well, now you’ve got bigger problems, livin’ on the run and all that. Real smooth-brain move, posting about it, by the way. 


Horoscopes

Aquarius: Summer’s almost over, so work on your sunburn. You want to show everyone on campus that you had fun in the sun, but you’re not a nerd that has to lather themselves in white goop first. 

Taurus: The stars forecast love in your future, so don’t take any chances. Swipe right on every person on Tinder, ESPECIALLY the ones with no pictures and weirdly vague bios like “hey.”

Gemini: Finagle yourself a new pair of sunglasses. And if you don’t know what that means, then finagle yourself a dictionary. 

Cancer: Watch out! Your friends are going to invite you on a long, boring hike soon. Hiking is like walking, except only the worst parts. 

Leo: Give up on your dreams. Sure, you may have wanted to be an astronaut since you were a kid, but you also wanted Xavier to win March Madness, so maybe keep things more realistic. 

Virgo: A new semester is right around the corner, so it’s time you choose a meal plan. It’s best to get a plan with more swipes than you think you need; that way, you’ll provide a worthy monetary sacrifice to our corporate overlords, Chartwells.

Libra: The stars want you to stop taking depression naps to skip through the day. If they wanted to see mediocre time travel, they’d watch Loki.

Scorpio: You have not read a Calvin and Hobbes comic in over a year. This is a travesty that must be remedied immediately. 

Sagittarius: Go skinny dipping! The water may be freezing cold, but if you’re lucky, you might meet your summer fling.

Aquarius: The stars have finally decided on your summer playlist, and it’s all Silly Songs with Larry. Listen to the cheeseburger one — it’s a classic. 

Capricorn: Take your partner on a cute apple-picking date. But don’t eat the apples right off the tree unless you want them to think you’re a goddamn caveman. 

Pisces: Neptune caught you ordering a chicken sandwich from Popeyes. Really? Are you even aware there is a chicken wing shortage going on right now? You piece of sh*t. 

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