A guide to campus for the uninitiated first-year
By Aidan Callahan, Back Page Editor
Well, well, well, what do we have here? If you’re reading this, you’re probably some fresh-faced first-year who just wandered onto campus and is hopelessly confused. I’ve got good news and bad news: the bad news is that face ain’t gonna stay fresh for long, ‘cause this place is gonna eat you alive. But the good news is you just picked up a Newswire and started reading this article. I’m about to drop a steaming dookie of knowledge all over your face and, with any luck, by the end of it you should be a little more prepared to face Xavier’s campus.
I won’t lie to you: this place is tough. All that crap your Manresa leaders have been peddling to you about this being a warm, welcoming campus? Bull honkey. I’m about to give you the real low-down on this place. So buckle in, ‘cause reading this article is the real campus initiation.
Where You’ll Spend Most of Your Time
Gallagher Student Center – A perfect place to study… if you enjoy studying to the sound of 24/7 2000s pop hits.
Hoff Dining Hall – It’s pretty good, just don’t get the salad bar. Or the chicken. Or the — you know, you might be better off just DoorDashing.
Currito – The best $10 burrito you will ever pay $20 for.
McDonald Library – Surprisingly confusing. You walk in, and you’re already on the third floor. Also, you’ll never find a table because all the try-hard students have taken every good spot. Good luck trying to focus while on the couch next to the vending machines.
Academic Buildings
Alter Hall – You like gray? Alter’s got gray.
Elet Hall – Oh, you actually wanted to go to class? Hahahahaha! *Falls over laughing* That’s rich!
The Armory – It’s cold, and you have to walk past all the ROTC kids as they’re working out. I have no proof that they’re judging me for my lack of gains, but part of me just knows.
Dorm Life
Brockman – The Slytherin of the dorms. All the rowdy kids get sorted here.
Buenger – This is where all the kids with inflated egos live — either because they’re in the Honors program or because they got randomly selected to live in the Honors building.
Husman – The normie hall. It has a pool table, though.
Kuhlman – The twin sister of Husman; beware of the sophomores and juniors that live on the top floor. They will shake you down for your lunch money.
Final Words of Advice
This article is obviously just a joke. I’m pretty sure you know that, I just don’t want my editors hounding me for roasting the school in our first issue of the year.
In all honesty, Xavier truly is a magical place. Three years ago, I came to this campus as lost as you, and now, here I am spewing my nonsense across the school paper. If that isn’t magic, I don’t know what is. So my advice is find your corner of Xavier and dig in deep — you won’t regret it.
But, you will regret getting the grilled chicken from the Caf. Seriously, just get a burger.
Horoscopes
Aquarius: This year is shaping up to be the best school year Xavier’s ever had. Whether you’re a student or faculty, this year should be filled with constant fun and endless adventures. Unless, of course, you are a nursing major, in which case your life will continue to be incredibly stressful, as always.
Taurus: If your Manresa leader is tired tomorrow, make sure to get some pep in their step! Request as many call-outs as you can possibly think of to raise their spirits.
Gemini: Having trouble making new friends? Just remember what you learned in Manresa! Simply initiate awkward “getting-to-know-you” games with everyone on campus, and eventually, you’ll find a match.
Cancer: The Moon sees a great semester on the horizon — as long as you manifest it. If you don’t know, manifesting is like imagining something but really, really hard.
Leo: Make sure you stay clear of the Delta variant. Trust me, I had it, and it’s the second-worst Delta I ever caught. The first being a Delta Airline flight of course! Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck.
Virgo: Seize all the opportunities of this new semester. You will only have so many chances to make awkward small talk with your professor after class.
Libra: Start planning your fall fashion now. Trust me, your look wasn’t in style last year — it certainly won’t be in style this year.
Scorpio: The stars see your semester being a lot like Space Jam: A New Legacy. What exactly that means is up to your interpretation.
Sagittarius: Watch out: Your friends are going to form a mafia family in a few weeks and totally forget to include you. You will feel very left out.
Aquarius: Before the summer’s over, take a moment to reflect on all the good times you had. Remember that Doritos Locos Taco you had? Damn, that was good.
Capricorn: Uranus is in retrograde, meaning it’s the perfect time to get focused and finish projects you may have put off. (Like that final from last year that you still haven’t turned in…)
Pisces: This semester should run smoothly if you stick to these three rules: keep up with homework, never say no to a party and, of course, always feed small coins and trinkets to the goblin living under Schott Hall.