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Back Page: 8/19/2021

Rejected Marvel’s What If…Episodes

By Jacob Smith

What if Thanos smoked weed with Thor?

In this reality, Thanos meets Thor when he spends a semester studying abroad at University of Asgard. Thor introduces the uptight Titan to his favorite recreational drug, which is obtained through his brother and dealer, Loki. 

Thanos develops a much more laid-back personality after blowing fat clouds with the god of thunder. Inevitably, Thanos dedicates his life to peacefully gathering the Infinity Stones in order to snap his fingers and legalize marijuana across the galaxy.  

What if Hawkeye was a Breaking Bad fan?

In this reality, Hawkeye and his wife started watching Breaking Bad right before the events of The Avengers. At the Battle of New York, Hawkeye continually asks his teammates while they battle aliens if they have seen the show, telling them it’s good but probably not as good as The Sopranos

In Age of Ultron, when Tony explains how Ultron works, Hawkeye says, “Science bitch!” in a mediocre Jesse Pinkman accent. Everyone cringes. 

By the time of Civil War, Hawkeye has added a black bowler hat to his costume. Hawkeye does not appear in Infinity War because he is addicted to meth. 

What if Groot spoke Portuguese? 

“Eu sou Groot.” 

What if Spider-Man was a furry? 

In this reality, Tony Stark learns of Peter’s furry obsession when he finds Peter’s wolf suit in his room in Civil War. He’s very supportive and helps Peter build an advanced suit, with the fursona “Wolf-Spider.” With this great furry power, Peter has the great furry responsibility to hide his secret life from Aunt May. 

At a convention, Peter meets a pink flamingo furry and has a casual fling with the bird. A month later when he picks up Liz for the homecoming dance, her father opens the door and says “You must be Peter.” Peter immediately recognizes his voice. It’s the flamingo! He tells this to nobody. 

In Endgame, when Peter meets Rocket Raccoon, he webs in his pants.  

What if Thor dropped his hammer on Ant-Man? 

Ant-Man dies. 

What if Bruce Banner was allergic to tree nuts?  

In this reality, Hawkeye’s wife makes cookies for the Avengers at her farm. Bruce asks her, “Are there nuts in this?” She says they are just chocolate chip cookies and do not contain any nuts. Bruce asks to see the ingredients just to make sure. The chocolate chips have a label on them that says: “Produced on shared equipment with tree nuts or peanuts.” Bruce says he’d like to be on the safe side and passes on dessert.  

What if Thor: The Dark World was good? 

That’d be crazy.

Horoscopes

Aries: The stars overheard you call syllabus week “silly week.” Never do this again or they will literally chuck a meteorite at you.

Taurus: Oh, so you think you’re some sort of horoscope expert ‘cause you watched one astrology TikTok, is that it? Then write your own damn horoscope! I don’t get paid enough for this BS.

Gemini: Avoid the quad tomorrow. The arachnid club is doing their giant spider exhibition at the same time the science club is doing their radioactive isotopes demonstration.

Cancer: Burger 513 will be closed down next week, as all the employees caught a serious case of Sugondese. For more information about this rare condition, please email callahana2@xavier.edu.

Leo: Don’t accept gifts from random guys in vans outside of UDF. This may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised how dense some Leos can be. 

Virgo: Dana’s is looking for cooks, and the stars want you to take the job. People will call you “Mr. Spicy Balls” and not for the reason they used to call you that. 

Libra: Elev8 smoke shop is giving a discount to all Xavier students this week! Check it out –– they’ve got a pipe in the shape of Steve Buscemi’s head.

Scorpio: Don’t forget to stop by club day next week. Not the lame Xavier Club Day where campus clubs try to solicit your email, the cool UC Club Day where they have a bunch of sick wooden clubs on display. 

Sagittarius: You’re truly living in an ass-eat-ass world. 

Capricorn: In the stars’ grand encyclopedia of every person to ever exist, you are described simply as “just OK.”

Aquarius: Don’t fret if you haven’t gotten all your textbooks yet: Day One is behind on some orders. Reading as a whole is on its way out anyways.


Pisces: This week, you are going to make a change for yourself that won’t fit at all. It will be like the Newswire’s new front page header, just completely jarring and unnecessary.

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