Masks, Pants and More Now Optional in the HUB
By Charlie Gstalder, Opinions Page editor
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Xavier has declared that masks are no longer required inside the Health United Building (HUB). In celebration of the joyous news, we here at the Back Page have compiled a list of other inconveniences that will no longer be required at the HUB.
Pants: Effective immediately, pants, shorts, skirts and all other primary leg coverings will no longer be mandated in the HUB. In lieu of traditional bottom garments, students are strongly encouraged to wear either fluffy pink leg warmers or thigh-high, neon green Nike Elite socks.
Condoms: When you really think about it, masks are nothing more than condoms for your face — they’re both designed to block potentially virus-laden bodily fluids from entering another person — so if you don’t need one, why should you wear the other? Thus, all condoms (latex, lambskin or otherwise) will no longer be required inside the HUB. It is important to note that the HUB is still strongly recommending that students wear condoms while participating in certain forms of Ancient Greek morale-building.
Personal Hygiene: The managers of the HUB were so inspired by the stories of Jake Gyllenhaal, Mila Kunis, Aston Kutcher, Kristen Bell and so many other celebrities who refuse to bathe that they have stopped requiring HUB patrons to practice any form of personal hygiene. Gone are the days of washing your hands, giving your gym socks a sniff and dousing yourself in deodorant before going to workout. Now you can play pickup basketball with all the cleanliness of a fourteenth century peasant!
A will to live: Do you feel little motivation to get out of bed each morning? Has the world been seeming colorless and devoid of meaning? Maybe you failed your first exam, lost your fake at Lateral or were recently dumped via Snapchat Bitmoji. Whatever the reason may be, you no longer have to worry about your antipathy towards existence stopping you from getting your pump in!
Vaccines: The HUB was so blown away by the positive feedback to the University recommending but not requiring the COVID-19 vaccine that they have decided to extend their policy to all immunizations. So, if you’re a little behind on your meningitis, HPV or measles vaccinations, the HUB is now open for you! Feel free to wait for your TriHealth appointment in all your mump-y glory.
Personality: Students who have no discernable positive personality traits and their poor friends will be thrilled to hear that no one in the HUB is required to have a personality. While this rule change was primarily tailored towards insufferably gym-obsessed students, others including J. Cole fans, A24 film buffs, horse girls, people who are too proud of their hometown and “mom friends” are expected to reap huge benefits.
In closing, it’s important to remember that none of the things on this list are banned, they are just no longer required. However, please be aware that just as it is embarrassing to be the only one wearing a mask, it will be equally embarrassing to be the only one with a personality wearing pants.
The “It Is Way Too Goddamn Hot” Edition
By Tess Brewer, Staff Writer
Schlumpy (sh-luhm-pee): Describes the negative correlation between the amount of humidity and the amount of motivation one has to walk to class.
Example: It’s really schlumpy out there, and I really don’t want to go over to Elet Hall.
Thfick (thh-fff-i-cc-k): The particular sound thighs make when peeling off of a plastic chair.
Ballizmageleth (Bahl-is-maag-eh-leeth): Circa 1431; demon of humidity, name used to curse enemies with awful, sticky weather.
Example: May your days be as hot as Ballizmageleth!
Aries: Despite this unbearable heat, that weird kid who sits in the back of your class will still wear sweatpants everyday. Befriend him and learn his powers.
Taurus: You are allowed to kill one person, as a treat. The stars recommend the random person who sits next to you in the Caf and loudly calls their friend.
Gemini: Kendrick is dropping a new song on Friday, but who cares? The only good music is anime intros and video game soundtracks.
Cancer: Your love life is like the café in the library: completely devoid of any signs of life.
Leo: Think Xavier students are prudes? Think again! Simply download Yik Yak to read the vilest stuff you’ll ever lay your eyes upon, all from the minds of Musketeers.
Virgo: Avoid campus after midnight; all the statues come alive Night at the Museum-style, and St. Ignatius is a big creep.
Libra: Don’t vape in the Alter bathrooms. There’s a chance your professor will walk in and confront you, or worse, ask for a hit.
Scorpio: Stop fawning over that manic pixie dream girl who sits next you in class; you are not Scott Pilgrim, and she’s gay.
Sagittarius: Avoid showering right before class. You won’t look clean; you’ll just look wet.
Capricorn: If you’re late to class, just take the ‘L’ and walk in a few minutes late. Don’t be one of those weirdos sprinting across campus like you’re being chased by the ghost of Father Graham.
Aquarius: Never sit at those tables by the stairs on the bottom floor of Gallagher. That’s where the theater kids like to nest, and they are fiercely territorial creatures.
Pisces: You’re in a rut. This is because the new Jeopardy! host hasn’t been selected yet, a factor which has a profound effect on your life. Don’t even get me started on what will happen to you if they don’t choose LeVar Burton.