Features

Back Page 9/2/2021

You asked for it: After a mountain of requests for a sex-themed back page, it’s finally here!

Sexology 101: Xavier Sex Moves

1. The Hailstones: This move takes a classic degradation kink to a whole new level. Named after the most degrading and pathetic building on campus, students freeze their own spit and chuck it at their partner at mach force speeds, instead of the usual underwhelming slow burn of regular spitting. Not only does this mimic an actual hailstone, but it also builds trust and intimacy as you trust your partner not to batter you within inches of a concussion with a frozen block of their own saliva. Extra style points if performed in the mustard yellow bathroom.

2. Jesuit style: It’s kinda like a new age derivation of the classic missionary style, except the guy MUST hold up a chalkboard and the girl MUST write down all the ways she’s sought God today. If the guy is not satisfied by her answers, everything stops immediately, clothes are put back on, and the guy must sit down and teach the girl the importance of finding God in everyday life.

3. The seXUPD: An elite force of XUPD officers who moonlight as strippers and are available for birthday parties, office parties and bar mitzvahs. Hire them to make any date night special or just to scare your stoner friends. 

4. The Night at the Museum: Pick any two statues around campus. Literally any of ‘em. Remember the pose they’re in. Now go back to your room with your partner and both of you pose like the statues you picked. Now make it work. I don’t care how, but just know once you get in your pose you can’t break out of it. Balance on top of their back like Jenga, awkwardly lean them up against the wall like a ladder, just make it work. Not MY fault you picked the scales of justice and the deer getting pet outside Smith hall.

5. The cock-man hall challenge: Ladies, this is more of a challenge than anything. Go to the pit in Brockman Hall and just start knocking on doors. Keep a tally of every intoxicated first-year that answers the door and immediately asks to fuck. There will be quite a few. Once your list is made, start an orgy, and sneak out before it even begins, making sure none of the dudes notice you’re gone.

Xavier’s Next Top Top

For years, one question has plagued many a soul from every facet of this vast Earth: who has the biggest top energy on the Xavier University campus of Cincinnati, Ohio? Tired of questions with no answers, I have set out on a mission to answer the masses. Through extensive research, analytics and other wacky antics, I have devised, with a 86% confidence rating, Xavier’s Top five tops… in an effort to bring you… XAVIER’S NEXT TOP TOP!

5. Billiam Thunderdome

This kid right here has got it made: the suave “don’t care” attitude, the fast-paced lifestyle, the rugged, over-the-top red dreadlocks that just drip coolness. Come to think of it, we think the reason Billiam made it up on this list is his uncanny resemblance to Knuckles the Echidna from the Sonic video game series.

4. Bevin Ballerini

If you looked up ‘twunk’ in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, there’d be nothing but a picture of Bevin. Usually seen wearing a pair of leggings and a slightly cropped muscle shirt sporting the phrase “Born This Way,” Bevin is no stranger to the effect he has on his underling twinks. He is their God. They want him. He knows this and will use their desires against them to make them fight to the death until only one twink remains. Only the strongest shall satisfy Bevin.

3. Juturna Hotspring

Score one for the gals, Juturna marks our very first female top on the list. Our number three pick managed to girlboss her way to the top after everyone told her a girl “couldn’t be a top” and “that’s just, like, literally not how it works, Juturna, biology is NOT on your side here.” Not taking no for an answer, she dominated in her field and in the sheets — rumor has it Forbes is considering adding her to their 30 Under 30 list.

2. Telesphorus Feraldo

Hailing from the Greek island of Skopelos (which many a homosexual man will recognize as the filming location of Mamma Mia!, so, like, bonus points right off the bat), Telesphorus stands at 7’9” with a size 21 shoe. Well, we all know what big feet mean… a big heart to match. And with his quiet European charms and deeply caring demeanor, what person wouldn’t want Telesphorus to be there for them on a cold summer night?

And now, after all this time, the moment you’ve been waiting for, unless you skipped to the bottom because I mean, does any of this really matter? Xavier’s next Top Top is…

1. Morgan Wilhelm-FitzPatrick-Lin-Mwangi

I mean, really, this should come as no surprise. As the school’s star athlete and team captain of the Xavier badminton team, there’s nothing bad ABOUT this mintoner. His four fathers are all previous winners of the prestigious Xavier Next Top Top award, so from birth it was a constant struggle of four dedicated fathers to raise the perfect himbo to dominate the Top industry. Equal parts charmingly polite and stupid, with a body-ody-ody-ody (that’s three whole ody’s!) to match, Wilhelm-FitzPatrick-Lin-Mwangi is what every bottom dreams of when they go to bed. And though he may be a thoroughbred, it seems he has yet to be thoroughly bred… that’s right, a virgin top looking for love! Maybe you could be that special bottom… ‘cause let’s be honest, from where we’re sitting you definitely don’t look like a top.

The Stars Determine Your Favorite Position

Aries: Missionary – The perfect position for when those Mormons knocking at your door are looking extra fine today. 

Taurus: Threesome – You are a greedy old miser, and you’ll be the first on my plate when the proletariat rises up to eat the rich. 

Gemini: Doggy Style – We all know you’re a closeted furry. You don’t have to keep hiding it.

Cancer: The Bridge – A legendary Kama Sutra position, made specifically for freaks like you who get off on breaking spines.

Photo courtesy of Cracked.com

Leo: Reverse Cowgirl – This position is perfect for you because you are very, very ugly. Not on the inside, but very much on the outside. 

Virgo: Pretzel Dip – The stars chose this position specifically for you because you’re the only weirdo they know who eats the pretzels they serve in the Caf. 

Libra: The Saxophone – The full effect of this position can only be achieved while listening to the sweet, sweet musical stylings of Kenny G. 

Scorpio: Scissoring – For when a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” turns a little freaky. 

Sagittarius: The Cotton-Eyed Joe – Where did you come from?

Capricorn: The Ape – Monkee 

Photo courtesy of @milkape via Twitter

Aquarius: No Position – You prefer to curl up by the fire with a good book. You also enjoy booking flights on Virgin Airlines. 
Pisces: The Father Graham – You don’t even want to know how this one works.

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