Features

Back Page 9/9/2021

Alternative fantasy sports to try

By Grady Boris, Guest Writer

As fall rapidly approaches, so too does football season. And as football season rapidly approaches, so too does fantasy football season. But who wants to do normal, old fantasy football? That’s lame and totally pre-pandemic. So here’s a few new and exciting ideas for you and “the boys” to try out (or don’t, I’m not your mom).

Fantasy Bingo: Nothing gets the blood flowing quite like a game of bingo at the senior center, and it’s only gotten better! Now, you can pick your favorite players in a game that totally doesn’t have any luck involved in it. Be careful, though. Your star player may have some heart issues, so you might want to get a back-up (or two, or three).

Fantasy Fantasy Football: You’ve already drank the fantasy football Kool-Aid, could a little more hurt? Simply draft the sports bros that you think drafted the best fantasy football team and make the fantasy fantasy football team of your fantasies. 

Fantasy Poker: I don’t believe it gets more meta than gambling on gambling, so here’s a chance to get ahead of it. Besides, it’s not like losing a little bit more money will do you any harm… right?

Fantasy WNBA: I mean… maybe this finally gets you to actually watch the WNBA.

Fantasy NASCAR: For whenever you have the need — the need for speed. Now get on that couch of yours and watch an exhilarating 800 left turns!

Fantasy Professional Cornhole: First off: Yes, this is a real thing. Second, does it get much better than betting on an imaginary team of middle-aged dads with WAY too much free time? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Fantasy SGA: Actually, you know what? No, there’s no way we can get away with this. We learned our lesson last week. And you think we’re trying to take risks again after the “Hit It From the Back” page? That was our risky page for the semester. SGA, you got off easy this time.


Fantasy Politics: Why stop at student politicians when there are gobs of talent out there in the real world? Pick from your favorite Democrats and Republicans, or at least the ones you don’t hate. You get bonus points for every time a scandal pops up, so good luck!

Horoscopes

Aries: Have faith in your ideas. Remember: You will never have a worse idea then the Xavier IT guy who was like, “Hmm, I think logging into your Xavier account is too easy. We should make it so you have to answer a phone call. Every. Single. Time.” 

Taurus: Sometimes priorities shift and you need to drop a class. That’s totally fine. The stars won’t judge you. Go ahead and drop that math class so you have more time to watch The D’Amelio Show. That’s completely understandable. 

Gemini: It’s a lovely day, and this weekend will only be lovelier. You know what that means: Time to sit by the Husman stage and pray that Dancing Elliot will make an appearance. 

Cancer: Your quest for this week is to have an epic showdown in the Clock Tower Lounge, culminating in you throwing your opponent out the window the moment the midnight gong sounds. It will be #epic. 

Leo: Sometimes in life, you gotta be the life of the party. But sometimes, it’s OK just to be the quiet one standing in the corner, petting the host’s dog. 

Virgo: There is now a golf cart that will pick you up and drive you around campus, like a Xavier Uber. Unfortunately, like Uber, all the drivers are weirdos who will spend the whole ride complaining about their ex-wife.

Libra: Never judge a man by his neckbeard. He may not be an incel; he may have just forgotten to shave this morning. 

Scorpio: Put on your best cherry lip gloss, girl, ‘cause this weekend you’re gonna make out with the hot country boy of your dreams. He will taste like Budweiser and Skoal.

Sagittarius: You are cursed to never host a good BBQ. No matter how many Beyond burgers you buy, there will always be more damn vegans. 

Capricorn: The stars want you to host a surprise party for your friend who’s having a rough 

semester. Unfortunately, that is all of them, including you.

Aquarius: Never be afraid to be yourself! Unless, of course, you’re that friend who always brings up politics despite the fact no one agrees with you. Then, please be very afraid.
Pisces: Au revoir, Graeter’s. Don’t be too sad about this. UDF has ice cream too. Arguably better, if you like your ice cream to taste like someone just vaped on it.

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