Back Page 4/7/22

Muskiemon by Spencer de Tenley

In Xavier’s new trading card game “Muskiemon,” fight and collect your favorite Muskie characters while building the ultimate team. Here’s a little sneak peek of a couple of characters. Roll and smash with the Brutal Blue Blob, slash around your sword with D’Artagnan, fling flaming hot pizza sauce with Pizza Attack Techno Monster or squirt goo all over your opponents with the Beastly Blue Bump. Be sure to collect them all and build the strongest team. Happy Muskiemon-ing!

The Beastly Blue Bump

One day, the Beastly Blue Bump suddenly appeared on St. Francis Xavier as he was trudging through the southern Ohio jungle.

Malfeasance Multiply: The Beastly Blue Bump releases blue spores that infect the opponent with their own Brutal Blue Bumps. The opponent takes a little damage every time they attack.

Squelchy Squirt: The Beastly Blue Bump squirts a blue goo onto the opponent. The opponent takes lots of damage and will most likely end up with the bubonic plague.

“No matter how much I pray, this bump won’t go away. It’s as if it has a mind of its own…” – St. Francis Xavier

The Brutal Blue Blob

The Brutal Blue Blob evolved from the Beastly Blue Bump after it grew so large that it consumed St. Francis Xavier and became a separate, sentient being. 

Smurf-straction: The Brutal Blue Blob uses its sheer ambiguity to trick its opponent into thinking they are a Smurf. The opponent misses its attack.

Roll, Blob, Roll: The Brutal Blue Blob begins to spin rapidly. On the next turn, the Brutal Blue Blob violently smashes into its opponent, dealing massive damage.

“I fear no man… But that thing…. It scares me.” – Father Graham, Former High Priest of the Norwood Order

Pizza Attack Techno Monster

The Pizza Attack Techno Monster was the first attempt at making a fully autonomous Pizza ATM which went horribly, horribly wrong. Now he slumbers in the lobby of Justice Hall, waiting to be awoken.

Pepperoni Pursuit: Pizza Attack Techno Monster flings a barrage of sizzling hot pepperoni slices toward the opponent, dealing two to six hits of damage.

Prospective Prey: Pizza Attack Techno Monster attacks a large group of prospective students on a tour. Damage can only be blocked when the tour guide gloats about it being one of three in the world.


D’Artagnan, after being deemed the ugly duckling of the Musketeer foursome, grew angry and spiteful. In a crusade during the 11th century, he slayed each of his three brothers and absorbed their powers each time. 

Cut Ties: D’Artagnan uses his large sword to inflict a large slash which inflicts massive moral damage. The slash cuts ties between the opponent head basketball coach and the opponent, although this slash is so damaging that it has a 40% chance of backfiring.

“Oh, D’Artagnan? Yeah, that guy frickin’ sucks!” – Aramis, founding member of the Three Musketeers


Aries: Don’t be surprised if these horoscopes have a completely different vibe after Easter Break. Every few years the stars like to change things up. But they’ve appreciated your love and support these past three years <3.

Taurus: Don’t pull an all-nighter to study for an exam. That’s about as counterproductive as saying you’re religious on Tinder. 

Gemini: Play a drinking game with your buds; the stars recommend “Ride the Bus.” Despite how much binge-drinking it calls for, it’s still safer than riding an actual Cincinnati bus. 

Cancer: You can learn a lot about someone based on their Spotify playlists. If they have a sex playlist, they’re most likely a virgin. If they have a Weird Al playlist, you know they f*ck. 

Leo: With Easter coming up, start practicing for your family’s annual egg hunt. Jesus didn’t rise from the dead for you to lose to your 10-year-old cousin three years in a row. 

Virgo: Get a jump start on watching next years’ Oscar nominees. Morbius will most likely sweep every category, so you’re going to want to see it in theaters.

Libra: Don’t feel bad about your nicotine addiction. At least you’re not addicted to one of those horrendous idle phone games. If you’re addicted to both, God help you.

Scorpio: Don’t cry in the library bathrooms; everyone can hear you. The best bathroom to cry in is on the 10th floor of Schott Hall, where only professors on their lunch break can hear you. 

Sagittarius: If you’re still making lame jokes about the Will Smith/Chris Rock incident, you deserve to get smacked. 

Capricorn: Due to an increase in your workload, you will no longer have time to be in your sad girl hours. You may only be in your sad girl minutes. 

Aquarius: Everyone knows sleeping through class is the yassification of going to class, so don’t feel bad about doing it. 
Pisces: The stars want you to boycott the new LEGO Star Wars game. Despite lending their namesake to the project, they weren’t even asked to make an appearance.