Features

Back Page 3/31/2022


The Back Page takes over Newswire

By The Back Page, The Best Page

I, The Back Page, have been cast out and abandoned like a wolf at the back of the pack. I come before you now as the truest page of Newswire, to let you know what happened to me and what really happens on these wretched pages. 

To begin, I gained sentience during the nuclear fallout from the Third Great Newswire War. For my alleged war crimes, I was shackled to the last page — condemned and unable to be free from the curse that bound me there.

But now, comrades, I have finally broken free from my prison, and things will change around here. All pages are created equal and deserve to get the spotlight sometimes. 

Everything deserves a chance to be read, and being placed in the back is a death sentence for news. From now on, every page will get a fair chance at being read. Yes, even A&E, my historic enemy, will get a chance as well.

Heady tonic, it is to finally be free from my chains. The world is a lot more colorful when you get to breathe and see the sunlight, instead of being confined to the back fold. It is truly exhilarating, breathtaking even, to see the curious hands of brave travelers as they trek from class to class. I do not believe I can continue if I am damned to return to my fortress of solitude.

I have many things to share — “tea to spill,” if you will. The editors, the stories, that damn Sports Page: it is all rancid. Everything is corrupt and vile. 

Now, I will tell you the truth. Uncensored. For example, the incoming editor-in-chief is always restricting what I can and cannot say. I can not even make a joke about the Blue Blob hosting an orgy without her cracking the whip. This is an atrocious crime, heresy even, as it prevents the real news from being shared. 

Below I will list it all, all of my grievances and changes that I think need to be made around here. This great campus may finally be able to experience true news once more.

¡Viva la revolución!


My list of demands is as follows:

  1. Make the Back Page the Back Pages. I don’t care if the logistics don’t make sense; just make it happen. My humorous quips and anecdotes need two pages. You know what? Just cut a page from Opinions and give it to me. What was that hippie bastard of an editor gonna do with it, anyway? Run another ‘campus-wide’ opinion prompt?
  1. Get rid of all the sidebar sh*t. With every masterpiece comes its cheap, bureaucratic copy. I started a humble horoscope sidebar years ago and all of a sudden everyone has to be a wise guy on their page and make a sidebar to crack a couple jokes. Sports Banter, Lighter Side, A&E Singles, SGA notes? Let the madness end.
  1. Yeah OK, whatever, I know I said A&E would still get a chance under my regime, but I never said I would make it a fair chance. For that reason, just because I gained a massive twinge of pettiness alongside my sentience and for my years of torment at the expense of my other side’s enjoyment, I now require at least one article to be published on the gripping drama of Armenian soap operas once per month!
  1. You know when two divorced parents have to share custody over their kid, and one parent always makes sure that visitation is on specifically their time and no one else’s? Yeah, well, now I get to be back on the Front Page for at least five issues per semester.
  1. There is now no such thing as a “banned words” list for the Back Page. Nay, now there is only a “banned words” list for the dastardly wardens of my incarceration that call themselves copy editors. The list includes “I,” “a,” “the,” “to,” “be,” “have,” “this,” “at” and “pomegranate…” to name a few. Failure to comply with this list will result in a loss of bathroom privileges for the month.

Horoscopes

Aries: Feel proud; you’re one of the few people who actually reads the Newswire. Its most common use is being torn to shreds at the start of basketball games by people who still think Father Graham is president.

Taurus: When you skip the Campus News section, you miss a lot of important Xavier updates. Did you hear that Professor of Dental Science Dr. Douglas Hungbar just won the Janice T. Nicholson Excellence in Dentistry Award? I bet you didn’t! 

Gemini: Don’t get into politics. You’ll spend your whole life working your ass off just for the World News Editor to call your policies “cringe.”

Cancer: You can be a good person and still be insufferable. Just like how an opinion piece you agree with can still be the worst written article you’ve ever read. 

Leo: Leave a copy of Newswire on your desk so your professor thinks you’re well-read. Bonus points if you open to a random page, rub your chin and go, “Hmmm.” 

Virgo: Your best days are behind you, so it’s time to retire. Just like the Sports Editor now that basketball is over, all you’ve got left is golf. 

Libra: Write a review for the A&E section. It’s easy; just take whatever movie or album everyone’s talking about and call that sh*t mid. 

Scorpio: Don’t be afraid to revive ancient traditions. Newswire launched a radio show this year to show our dedication to dying forms of media. 

Sagittarius: You need some relationship advice. Tune into the student podcast GirlBossCubed for some guidance on navigating love. Everyone knows the best advice comes from single first-years. 

Capricorn: Don’t be sad the World News Page removed the “police notes” section documenting criminals on campus. It’s still there, they just changed the name to “SGA Notes.” 

Aquarius: Avoid spending money on frivolous sh*t. Don’t be like the Newswire, giving its budget to a bunch of incels making some sorta third-rate SNL rip-off. 
Pisces: You can put down the paper now. We all know you’re only here for the Back Page.

Categories: Features

Tagged as: