Features

Back Page 3/24/22


The Xavier Oscars

By Kayla Ross and Spencer De Tenley

Best Building

Whether you’re looking for girth or length, the best building is something everyone wants but not everyone can have.

Nominees:

   • Justice Hall

   • Alter Hall

   • Schott Hall

   • Smith Hall

Winner… Justice Hall. Although the Class of 2025 may have gotten screwed over next year, at least the housing selection chaos is finished.

Food

The nominees for this category are few and far between. (These were the only options.) 

Nominees:

   • Starbucks 

   • Hoff Dining Commons 

   • Burger 513

   • The random Raising Cane’s catered to every event on campus 

Winner… The random Raising Cane’s catered to every event on campus. Yes, I am eager to attend today’s Student Activities Council event. But I can only stay for the time it takes me to eat my Cane’s because I have to walk my fish today. 

Best Song on the Caf Playlist 

Whoever is on aux at the Caf deserves a pay raise. No skips, tbh. 

Nominees:

   • “Kyoto” by Phoebe Bridgers 

   • “You Can’t Hurry Love” by the Supremes 

   • “Love Me Like You” by Little Mix 

   • “Girls on Film” by Duran Duran 

Winner… “Love Me Like You” by Little Mix. The Christmas song essence catches my attention every time. I know all of the words even though I am not consciously thinking about the lyrics. When I am old and senile, I will forget my children’s names but be able to sing this song. 

DILFiest DILF 

Each nominee is companionable in their own way, and they all are guaranteed to make you think, “Dude! I’d like to friend them.” 

Nominees:

   • The Blue Blob

   • D’Artagnan

   • Dancing Elliot

   • Aidan Callahan 🙂

Winner… The Blue Blob. You know what they say about big shoes? Big friend group. If I recall, the Blue Blob has some large shoes.

Worst Accessory of Xavier Students

We have seen students of many calibers take on their day with various accessories.

Nominees:

   • Day-old Victory Perk coffee

   • Ginger hair

   • Shein tops

   • Crusty Air Force Ones

Winner… Shein tops. Don’t tell me you thrifted it. Girl, we know it’s from Shein. I can see the threads hanging off the bottom, and it’s completely translucent. 

Most Uncommon Majors 

I have not met a single student with the following majors. 

Nominees:

   • Classical Humanities 

   • Montessori Education

   • German 

   • Land, Agriculture and Community Winner… Montessori Education. Apparently, Montessori education is a teaching method in which students can choose their curriculum focus. Does that mean I can choose to learn more about the society of Blue Blobs?


Every year, The Clocktower Review accepts poems, prose and art from students around campus. The pieces that get rejected are sent to…

The Mocktower Review

By Charlie Gstalder and Sebastian Aguilar, Opinions Page Editor and Staff Writer

Cheese Dreams, by Charlie Gstalder

Cheese Dreams, the

Bees knees

For cheese dreams are

Open faced sandwich

But

Cheese dreams,

no

More

please

Provolone is prone

To nightmare

So please

The cheese

keep

Thee

Away

from

Me

Bad Dreams

Bad Gas, by Sea Bass

Alas, alas, I got bad gas

I toot

I fart

I blast 

My bowels let out a cymbal crash

‘From what?’ You ask

The milk of the cow, the dreams of the cheese. 

I may not be able to process lactose 

But you know what I lack most? 

Respect…. 

I lose it all when 

With my crass blasts in class

And thats all you need to know about Sea Bass.


Horoscopes

Aries: Make sure to schedule your classes for next semester ASAP. You don’t want to get stuck in some boring theology class like “Jesus: The Teen Years.” 

Taurus: Work on gaslighting people less. You know you do it. You do it all the time. 

Gemini: Stop lying all the time. You’re so full of shit your mouth is gonna end up on the XUBathrooms Instagram page. 

Cancer: Try switching it up and dating someone in a different major. Philosophy guys are chill and economics girls are more interesting than you’d expect. Just avoid DIFT students at all cost. Nothing kills a“Netflix and Chill” faster than a rant about the movie’s saturation.

Leo: Stop stressing about demons living in your walls; there are none. The demons live in your skin. Get them out get them out GET THEM OUT.

Virgo: The moon recommends you check out the new R-rated section on Disney+. It’s strictly for adult subscribers and features content deemed inappropriate by Disney like nudity, mature language, graphic violence and two men holding hands.

Libra: While it’s important to know your partner’s love language (words of affirmation, acts of service, French, etc.), it’s also important to know your enemy’s hate language (word of deprecation, acts of malice, German, etc.)

Scorpio: Don’t see any new movies this year. Cinema has gone downhill since actors stopped doing near-lethal amounts of cocaines in their trailer before every scene. 

Sagittarius: You are cursed for the next month. No matter what table you choose at the Caf, it will always be next to a group of first-year frat bros talking as loud as they possibly can about the “banger of a kickback” they threw last night. 

Capricorn: Moral law is merely a human invention designed to disenfranchise the powerful in favor of the weak. So it’s OK to occasionally steal a small bag of Skittles from UDF.

Aquarius: The stars have chosen your next obsession: The Bee Gees. Just look at these guys and tell me they are not the most handsome men you’ve ever seen. Ugh, and that hair 😩👌.

Pisces: Stop recommending your boring-ass history podcasts to your friends. No one wants to listen to a four-hour deep dive into how neolithic-era music directly influenced smooth jazz.

Categories: Features

Tagged as: