Back Page 3/17/2022

After an enlightening spring break trip to an art museum, we at the Back Page challenge you to think long and hard about the finer things in life in this edition of…

Top 5 Sexiest Bachelors in Art History

This classy and sassy status of Dionysus? More like Dio-nice, sis! His tranquil expression and beautifully curled hair remind me of my high school crush, who coincidentally was also known as the God of Speed.

Rating: 5.5/10. That’s actually slightly above the U.S. average; trust me.

This Renaissance work by Raphael (not the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle) made me Rapha-yell for more when I saw it! It also reminded me that I forgot to ask anyone to water my plant while I was on vacation.

Rating: 6.5/10, 7 on a good day.

Remember, art doesn’t have to look perfect to be beautiful! Personally, I’d Pom-pay an arm and a leg to have this statue in my house for its functional design. Unfortunately, the metal is freezing cold and covered in volcanic ash.

Rating: 7.5/10 for design, 3/10 for function.

This funny little creature embodies “shaped like a friend” energy. And the ambiguously-gendered rider ain’t bad themself.

Rating: 8/10 — extra credit for the little smile! 🙂

Ancient Greece was known for liberal ideas and social acceptance of gay people. (Don’t fact check that). From there, we have David. They just don’t make em like this anymore!

Rating: 100/10 — for proving it’s not about what you have, it’s about how you use it for millenia.


Aries: It’s official: Travis Steele has left Xavier. Maybe at the next basketball game we could chant “Get the back page editor laid.”

Taurus: Be better. Over break, the RAs searched your room and found illegal Christmas lights, an air fryer, used raspberry-flavored condoms, a taxidermy T-rex and a partridge in a pear tree.

Gemini: With such beautiful weather, the stars predict your classes will be outside. Watch as your economics professor demonstrates the tricky instability of the stock market by slacklining five feet off the ground. 

Cancer: The Caf has replaced the pasta line with a rice bowl line. This is further proof that the Italianx community is the most oppressed minority. 

Leo: With the Blue Blob appearing on The Young and the Restless, the Sun predicts D’Artagnan will soon make his television debut selling fentanyl to freshmen on Euphoria

Virgo: Never pull an all-nighter; you make the worst mistakes when you’re sleep-deprived. The Indian prime minister was up all night gaming, and then he accidentally fired a missile into Pakistan.

Libra: You may think the situation in Ukraine isn’t your fault, but it actually is. If you had just manifested peace a little harder Putin would have been like, “damn, the vibe is off, nvm fr fr.” 

Scorpio: Attend an open mic. You could try singing or poetry. Just don’t do stand-up comedy. The Garfield memes your mom posts on Facebook are funnier than you. 

Sagittarius: Don’t be sad that Xavier missed March Madness. This will just give you more time to catch the series finale of Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn —  only on Nickelodeon.  

Capricorn: Slowly but surely, fewer people are wearing masks. Soon, the only one left will be your acting professor who swears he has a “big gig” he can’t get sick for. 

Aquarius: Please take a moment to locate the exit door nearest to you in the front and rear of this theater. Please use these exits in the event of an emergency. 

Pisces: A new class divide has overtaken campus: those who came back from spring break sunburnt and those who sadly slummed it in snowy Cincinnati.