Features

Back Page 3/3/2022


Sports Banter?

I hardly know her!

By Mo Juenger, fired from whatever position she used to hold

Based-Ball

As the MLB lockout drags on, unionizing players continue not to budge. “At first, we just wanted to get paid more,” player Mike Bass said. “But now we don’t even want more money… We want the dissolution of the capitalist state.” When asked to elaborate, he added: “The system inherently exploits the bats-geoisie. Stealing first base? We were thinking so small. Now, we steal the means of production.”

Exe-goose-tioner

Jake the Goose was executed on live television last night. “Thank God,” an anonymous sports editor said.

TKO (Total Kiss Out)

The Covington-Masvidal main card matchup has been postponed as the pair extends their Cabo honeymoon. “Why fight? This is pure bliss,” welterweight champ and exceedingly tender lover Colby Covington swooned.

Lacrosse still exists? 

We here at Newswire aren’t buying it.


Xavier sinks to a new low against Norwood Middle

They couldn’t stand up to the pint-sized point guards and the dinky dunkers

By Justin Malone and Derek Swartzlander, Staff Writer and Guest Writer

The Musketeers fell narrowly in quadruple overtime against Norwood Middle School in what college basketball analysts are now calling the greatest exhibition game of all time.

It all started after the team rallied together through required community service to regain some of the team’s lost morale.

The team, led by newly-appointed Head Coach Shrevis Treele, graciously donated a fully-functioning Pizza ATM to Norwood Middle School.

In a tweet, the middle schoolers’ A-team thanked Xavier Athletics and jokingly challenged the basketball team to a televised game.

Five days later, the lights and cameras turned on at Cintas Center as the Xavier team and fans anticipated a long-awaited victory, thinking.

“There’s no way we could lose to a bunch of pipsqueaks!” One fan bragged.

The game started out hot for the Musketeers, as the team shot 5-5 on the floor and 2-2 on three-pointers within the first two minutes of the half. However, the team hit a cold streak as the game pressed on and couldn’t keep up.

In addition, the referees struggled all the way around in the first half, missing a key technical foul on Norwood’s benchwarmer Kevin Howard.

Despite the height difference, the middle schoolers stepped up their game, taking a tremendous 20 point lead with only 4:35 left in the half.

Star 7th grader Jordan Michaels led Norwood’s resurgence, contributing 17 points, 12 of which came from beyond the arc against players almost a foot taller than him.

After forward Nick Junje drove in a preposterous layup over the 4’10” Norwood forward Anthony Young, Xavier held onto only a two-point lead at the half.

Coach Treele invigorated the team with his halftime speech (by threatening their priority housing selection, in classic Treele fashion). Spurred on by the fear of living in the unrenovated side of Commons (and still paying the same price), the newly-inspired team increased the gap in the second half.

After a back-and-forth second half, the game closed with both teams tied at 80 points. The crowd watched in anticipation as the game went into overtime.

That is, except for the Xavier students who left early to try the Caf’s new special “Cesare salad,” honorably named after the Musketeer fan favorite.

Three overtimes later, the teams began wearing down. The players gave everything left in the tank, even with minimal Gatorade left on the benches.

Xavier guard Saul Pruggs was heard saying, “Just let them score. I want to go home.”

Saul Pruggs put up a record low three shots, missing all of them. He spent the game locked down by sixth-grade guard Carson Dougie, who blocked all of Scruggs’ shots and even called him a “noob” post-game.

Five minutes later, the sand in the hourglass trickled empty for Xavier’s collapsing defense, and Norwood’s star Stephen O’Neal drained the game-sealing three pointer to lead his team to a triumphant victory and the highest-guaranteed NIL deal for the 12-year-old age bracket.

He put up a prodigious 55 points against a tough Xavier defense.

The Xavier team’s eyes glistened with tears as the Norwood team Fortnite-danced their way to the handshake line. Norwood Middle coach Steven Williams was doused in a chili bath following the win.

This additional loss devastated the Xavier campus. After an SGA-led emergency referendum vote and some talk from the athletics office, Coach Treele was sacked for Jake the Goose, receiving a record 10-year contract. He is excited to lead the team in a completely new direction.


Horoscopes

Aries: Don’t chant “Fire Steele” at basketball games. Steele is a human being with feelings, and after that last game, he had to go home and wipe his tears with $100 bills from his million dollar salary. 

Taurus: Put all your money on Sri Lanka winning their upcoming cricket match against India. They have a new Right Arm Off Spin Bowler named Dhananjaya de Silva, and the stars predict he is going to off

Gemini: Don’t be a poser. You claim to be a “huge soccer fan,” yet you haven’t even finished Season Two of Ted Lasso. For shame. 

Cancer: Try the new disc golf course installed around campus. It’s a beautiful course that will take you to legendary Xavier landmarks, such as the Cintas parking lot and the Family Dollar parking lot.

Leo: Don’t let haters tell you competitive Super Smash Bros. isn’t a real sport. It takes endurance and dedication to go your whole life without feeling the loving touch of another person. 

Virgo: Did you know if all golf courses were turned into farms America’s food shortage would be solved? Do your part to help society by releasing hordes of gophers on your local golf course. 

Libra: You’ll find your next partner playing table tennis at the HUB. There’s nothing more attractive than big, beefy wrists.  

Scorpio: Life’s a baseball game, and this weekend is going to be a home run! Unfortunately, next week you are going to get caught up in a major doping scandal. 

Sagittarius: Join the Xavier Quidditch team. It’s the only sports played on AstroTERF (this one’s a thinker.)

Capricorn: Life is but a foosball game, we are all the little guys, and God is doing that thing where he spins us around really fast. 

Aquarius: Count your blessings before they hatch. Football season may finally be over, but you must be wary; before you know it, it will start again. 


Pisces: Watch out for those guys who play Frisbee on the quad. They’ve begun awarding points for whacking passer-bys: