Features

Back Page 2/24/22


Twos-Day Top Twos

By Spencer De Tenley, staff writer

In celebration of “Two’s Day,” I would like everyone to embark with me on a journey ranking my top three dynamic two-o’s. 

Second place

McDonalds and Trans Fats

We have to give it to them; McDonald’s makes McNuggets out of goo like no other. If their chalky, undercooked burgers don’t have you begging for mercy, the copious amounts of trans fats surely will. This is one of my favorite duos, just beating out Grimace and the Hamburglar. Though not publically known as a duo, behind the scenes the two are a lovely couple.

Second place

Gay men and Britney Spears

Queen Britney gives her death stare as she announces the death penalty for all straights.

In a utopian homonormative society, Queen Britney rises from her throne, wearing only but a red latex jumpsuit with an anaconda wrapped around her neck. Gay folks of all shapes and sizes stop what they’re doing to praise her majesty. She lets out a powerful “SLAYYYY,” to which the masses respond in a unanimous, earth-shattering “WERRRRK,” forever cementing a devotion not seen since the first coming of Jesus Christ our lord and savior.

Second place

Me and Your Mom

The warm, sensual loving embrace from such a sexy, caring person paired with none other than myself. A joke older than the asbestos running through Brockman Hall, yet so powerful. Keep an eye out MILFs (Mothers I’d Like to @#%$ Friend). I can’t wait to meet you!


Rejected Brueggeman Fellowship Locations

The Elephant’s Foot (Chernobyl Reactor Core No. 4)

The feral dogs of Chernobyl. The radiation transformed them into mutant beasts.

Dear Applicant,

I am writing to inform you that we at the Brueggeman Fellowship have unfortunately rejected your proposal to study at the Elephant’s Foot in Chernobyl. While we agree that making a film about the sex lives of the radioactive wild dogs found in the Chernobyl containment zone would be a truly excellent representation of the DIFT program, we are worried about the current Russian invasion into Ukraine. As thrilling as your proposed research sounds, we cannot in good conscience risk your safety by allowing you to stay in such close proximity to a potential Russian invasion. Therefore, we must unfortunately reject your application.

The Moon

Dear Applicant,

I am writing to let you know that the Brueggeman Fellowship has rejected your request to study on the moon. We here at the application board love Elon Musk as much as anyone else (go Space Daddy!) and agree that conducting a psychological study on how he could be so smart, cool and awesome is an excellent use of university resources. However, we are concerned about your insistence that this psychological study take place on the moon, given the enormous cost of… going to the moon. Yes, SpaceX is going to the moon, but it will be years before the trip occurs. Would it not be possible for this study to occur at SpaceX’s Texas research facility? Regardless, our “go to space” funds have been diverted to minting the Blue Blob as an NFT.

Bowling Green, Ohio

Dear Applicant,

We have fortunately rejected your application to study the “challenge of peace” in Bowling Green, Ohio. Our reasons are twofold: First, this Fellowship encourages students to get out of their comfort zone and explore the world. Fellows are meant to visit challenging, exciting and sometimes even dangerous locations. Bowling Green is none of that. Bowling Green is boring. Bowling Green sucks. Also, our files show that you were born and have lived your entire life in Bowling Green.

Second, what is the “challenge of peace” in Bowling Green? As we mentioned, Bowling Green is mundane; there is no conflict to necessitate peace. Additionally, you are not a peace and justice major. You are a business undecided major. Why you would choose peace baffles me almost as much as your decision to go to Bowling Green. If we could reject your application more times, we would. Shame on you, you scum.


Horoscopes

Aries: Don’t post thirst traps on your Instagram story. Your grandmother follows you and she sees every. Single. One.

Taurus: We won’t see another day like 2/22/22 until Feb. 22, 2222. That’s also coincidentally the same day your great-great-grandaughter will find a picture of you and say, “Damn. This one goofy-lookin’ MF.”

Gemini: Hit up Cancun Mexican Bar and Grill this weekend. It’s conveniently located right next to the Urgent Care just in case you and the girlies have one too many of those jumbo margaritas. 

Cancer: Never trust a guy with a man bun. They often hide knives or small guns in there. 

Leo: Get all your groceries at the Kroger on Montgomery. They have a fantastic “Buy None, Get All Free” deal where you can just exit the store without paying, and no one will notice or care. 

Virgo: Now that the mask mandate is lifted, you may discover your crush isn’t as cute as you thought they were. Tell them to grow a beard.

Libra: Do more to leave a lasting legacy here at Xavier. If you’re not on one of those “READ” posters in the library by the time you graduate, what was the point?

Scorpio: Take magic mushrooms then go to a men’s basketball game. You will see the face of God in the arc of Jack Nunge’s 3-pointer. 

Sagittarius: Contrary to popular belief, you should count your chickens before they’ve hatched. Once they hatch, those little buggers start running around, and it turns into a whole production — much easier just to count eggs. 

Capricorn: Capricorn guys are statistically the least popular among girls who believe in astrology. Looks like you dodged a bullet, boys. Way to go!

Aquarius: The rest of your semester is going to be a blast; your best one yet! That is, of course, until The Incident. 
Pisces: Pisces season is officially here! You know what that means: nothing. This will be another month of mundane routine, just as every month will be until one day you die.

Categories: Features

Tagged as: