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The Black Plague

By kayla Ross, Staff Writer

Several plagues afflict Xavier University’s students daily. This is just a small selection of the illnesses and burdens students suffer.

The Fraternity Influenza 

Ah yes, the tale as old as time. The maidens all contract a mystery illness as they walk to our most heated rival’s fraternity row, adorned in their smallest bodices from Urban Outfitters. Then, these single sisters all crowd into a powder room, 20 at a time, to relieve themselves together so as to avoid being separated from the Uber carriage back. 

Chlamydia 

Step aside COVID-19, chlamydia is the new infection to beat on Xavier’s campus. This is probably why you haven’t been able to get an appointment at the HUB to find out if your Fraternity Influenza is strep, mono, COVID-19 or just a common case of Frat Flu (Spoiler alert: It is probably strep.) The online waitlist is riddled with people waiting on an STI test. This is your reminder, kids, get tested and always wrap your willy before you get silly. 

Seasonal Depression 

As we reside in Cincinnati, we are constantly tested by the tribulations our weather brings. One day we wake up to four inches of snow, and the next, we wake up to 54 degrees and sunny. My knee aches, my ear hurts and my nose is runny. Oh, and the sun sets precisely at 5:57 p.m. Also, all of the skin from my lips is falling off. Are you late for work? Yeah. So am I. I was delayed by the city of Cincinnati being incapable of plowing the roads. 

Brockitis 

I am proud to call Brockman Hall my home. I love that the air has such a warm and humid tang to it, like when an old lady hugs you at the church Fourth of July potluck. I also love how the room came pre-decorated with a layer of grayish-blue fuzz on my vents. Undeniably, while calling Brockman home, a mysterious illness named Brockitis will be calling your lungs home. Brockitis really isn’t too beguiling, but it does include a cough that you cannot quite shake and the constant feeling of fatigue. 

The Caf Queasy 

Hoff Dining Hall always provides for us, and those deli workers always make us smile, but the aftermath of what has been consumed in the Caf will not make us smile. After eating just a spoonful of rice, you will likely be emptying your entire intestines in the bathroom later. Truly, we should be thanking the Caf for ensuring that we won’t gain the freshman fifteen. The food runs through you like water ran through the Baby Alive Doll I received for Christmas in 2010. 

Second Half Smallpox 

This disease does not present itself until after halftime of the game. Unfortunately, this sickness has been plaguing all of Cincinnati’s sports teams as of late. Even our dearest D’artagnan could not ward off our beloved Bengals from falling ill to the Second Half Smallpox. Apparently, not even a salary of $1.6 million can prevent our own Travis Steele’s team from being taken up with the Second Half Smallpox. 

The Single Sadness

This is the wave that comes crashing over you when you see happy and successful couples across campus and on social media. This feeling also applies when you see a Tinder hookup in the Caf and have an overwhelming feeling of “What if?”

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Medieval Horoscopes

Aries: Thou claimeth to be a handsome rogue with unmatched wit, yet thou receiveth no wenches. Curious. 

Taurus: Get thineself an ale from Dana’s Tavern on the morrow, but do not get too drunk; thou doth not want to be post’d on TavernstoolXU!

Gemini: King Biden II shall soon conscript an army to fight the barbarians in the east; amputate thine least favorite leg to avoid this fate. 

Cancer: Avoideth the porridge in the Caf. It is made using the same wat’r we washeth ourselves with, defecate in and drinketh. Though some claimeth that only adds to the flav’r.

Leo: If thou attends the jousting tournament, make sure you sneakth in thine own bev’rage; the ale in Cintas Coliseum is much too ov’rpric’d! 

Virgo: All peasants who liveth in the Village should beest on high al’rt. The Knights of Residence Life plan to mount a crusade ‘gainst all who partake in the Devil’s lettuce.

Libra: Consult the Great Oracle at Bellarmine. Only he can giveth thee guidance to solveth today’s Wordle.

Scorpio: Thou art nothing more than a leathern-jerkin’, puke-stocking, abortive, smooth-tongued, sodden-witted fustilarian! But ‘tis why I loveth thee.

Sagittarius: Keep wearing thine mask even as the mandate is lifted. Many fraternity brothers still attendeth class carrying the Black Death.

Capricorn: Learneth the secrets of divination magic from the wizard Merlin.  ‘Tis the only way thee shall passeth thine econ final. 

Aquarius: Cease thine endless swiping on doth Tinder. Thou shalt be betrothed to the fair prince or princess of thine choosing in due time. 

Pisces: Don’t both’r asking f’r help from thine PPP profess’r. You’d recieveth bett’r counsel if thou asked f’r help from the Knights Who Say Ni.