Features

Back Page 2/10/22

Are you looking for a little Valentine’s romance, but you and your loved one both have roommates who never leave? Or, do you simply enjoy the thrill of a nice kiss in the center of campus? I’m Dr. Almanzo, and as Xavier’s leading expert on romance and love, I know the best places for on-campus love.

5. Schott Hall, top floor

I’m not sure if post-quarantine first-years are aware of this jewel on campus, so I’ll paint the picture. The doors lock automatically at 11 p.m., so no one else can come in. The top floor is just a huge lounge with dim lighting. My wife (ex-wife) and I used to come here all the time as first-years. In fact, I proposed to her on the terrace of the top floor. This is also the floor that my friend [REDACTED] almost burned down while smoking weed.

4. Clock Tower Lounge of Gallagher Student Center (GSC)

It’s a nice comfortable space with a strong door blocking the chaotic sounds of GSC. A few couches, a television and a beautiful view of campus. I think it has a great ambiance, and I enjoyed the snogging very much. Unfortunately, I was told I was never allowed to bring a lady friend to a Newswire meeting again.

3. The Health United Building

There are so many great spots in this building. The study rooms, the snack shop, the rowing machine — but nothing comes close to the pool. I was dating a lifeguard at the pool back in the day. We would frolic in the pool when we had the place to ourselves. One day, we were messing around, and I was pretending to drown. That’s when I started to drown for real. She pulled me out and started performing CPR. Unfortunately, she went a bit too hard and broke my ribs — this was the moment I knew she was the one.

2. Basement of the McDonald Library

You know the library basement? Super creepy, but it has nice, isolated bathrooms? Well, push a loveseat from the second floor onto the elevator, bring it down and it’s a hell of a Thursday night. Only problem is, obviously, it’s haunted. Twenty-three years ago, a student named Annie Méliès was attacked by a demon in the library, and her body was found in the basement bathroom. Now she possesses the body of anyone who looks into the mirror while singing “I Want It That Way.” My ex learned that the hard way. It was a little terrifying when, in the middle of the hookup, her eyes lit up orange and she tried to rip out my soul, but it wasn’t terrifying enough to be a total turn off.

1. Hoff Dining Hall

I know what you’re thinking… duh, of course the Caf is great for hooking up. Everyone does it there. Those back booths by the pasta line… you all know what I’m talking about. But there’s a specific memory that will always ensure the Caf remains No. 1 in my heart. I was still a first-year and a Caf worker back then, young and naïve. It was a slow Tuesday night. I was working the line when “Chasing Cars” began to play on the Caf speakers right as a beautiful upper-class lady walked up to me. 

“Do you still have any dino nuggets?” she asked me. 

“Yeah, a few, but only T-rexes and triceratops,” I replied. 

“That’s a shame. My favorite are the velociraptors,” she crooned. 

“Me too,” I slyly retorted. She told me to join her on my break, so I did just that. 

I walked to one of the tables behind the cereal. She smiled as I slid in the booth across from her. We talked about dinosaurs, nuggets, our favorite movie The Sandlot… this, dear reader, is how I met my wife. Even if she left me for Stu, it still proves that you can find love wherever you go on Xavier’s campus.

So this Valentine’s Day, I hope you find your future wife. Just make sure you hang on to them tight. You never know when they’ll leave you for a dashing, young math teacher. For more love advice, check out this weeks episode of The Blobcast on the Newswire Youtube channel: 


Horoscopes

Aries: Valentine’s Day is canceled this year. The stars are all single and they don’t want to see any of you annoying-ass couples going on any “””cute””” dates. If you even smooch your partner you’ll get bad juju for the month. 

Taurus: For your Super Bowl festivities, the stars suggest you make one of the tastiest appetizers of all time: Buffalo Chicken Mac & Cheese. Then, whenever someone eats it, say: “You’re telling me a Buffalo Chicken made this Mac & Cheese?🤣🤣🤣” Don’t ask me how to say emojis out loud, just do it. 

Gemini: You’re not like the other girls; you’re wild and crazy. To you, twisted teas are just teas. 

Cancer: Protest every speaker Xavier brings to campus. Even if it’s a Zoom lecture, just stay in the waiting room and change your profile picture to a picket sign. 

Leo: Have a growth mindset, rather then a fixed mindset. This means believing your skills can improve. So if someone mocks you for making a mistake, simply tell them you’re a grower, not a show-er.

Virgo: Help out a friend in need. Bring some snow to your friend who always posts “who got ❄️❄️❄️??” on their story.

Libra: Try Riddlelin. It’s like Ritalin, but instead of helping with homework it helps you come up with tricky riddles. 

Scorpio: Got an essay due next week that you don’t want to do? Simply go to downtown Cincy and shout “F*ck the Bengals!” Then, email your professor that you can’t do the essay because you’re hospitalized. 

Sagittarius: Hit the links and pound some brews with the boys. The stars want you to get a DUI on the 18th hole. 

Capricorn: Don’t expect anyone to show up to classes on Monday, especially if the Bengals win. Unless, of course, you’re in a theater class, in which case you can expect the whole class to be there.

Aquarius: Take a well-deserved Coronacation. This is when you purposely give yourself COVID to get out of class for five days.
Pisces: Is a certain professor getting you stressed with the number of emails they send? Simply move all their emails into the “other” section of Outlook and pretty soon you’ll forget all about them.


Categories: Features

Tagged as: ,