Back Page 2/3/22

Discussion boards: We all know about them. Do we do them? Eh, sometimes. Obviously, there are a ton of ways to respond, but what does your response say about you?

Ol’ Reliable: If the post needs to be 300, you’re right at 300. The professor suggests 500 words? You’re right there. You don’t go below expectations, but you certainly don’t exceed them. You’re content with being painfully mediocre. You’re like food with no seasoning — somewhat tolerable.

The Novelist: Your response leaves Leo Tolstoy and Ernest Hemingway shaking in their graves. Why write a measly few hundred words when you can fit an entire two-page paper into a weekly discussion post? Hell, it might as well be a dissertation for a PhD you just tossed into your first discussion post of the year. Hate to break it to you, but your teacher isn’t giving brownie points out for the most B.S. put on Canvas. However, you do have a good shot at taking home the gold in pretentiousness at this winter’s Olympics.

First Responder: You have to beat everyone to the punch, doing any post as soon as it’s available. I don’t know what keeps you motivated (or scared), but YOU scare me. Whether it’s time management or anxiety, please stay away from me. You’re probably the same person who reminds the teacher to collect homework or about due dates when they forget. Narc.

No Responder:

The Buzzer Beater: Thrill junkie. That’s all you are. Four hundred milligrams of caffeine 10 minutes before the deadline and voila, you have a post done and dealt with. I don’t know what’s more surprising: your lack of heart palpitations or the fact that your internet never screws you over. (Seriously, Xavier’s Wi-Fi cuts out seemingly based on its mood, so that’s some witchcraft or something). Anyways, keep up the caffeine thing. I’m sure your heart LOVES you drinking enough coffee and Bang to kill a full-grown horse.

Below Bare Minimum: Well, you do the post… kind of. I mean, you’ll push a few lazily-written sentences across the finish line just to say you did it. It’s better than nothing, but only ever so slightly better than nothing. The bar was low, but you seem to like limbo.

Whether you spew seven pages or a few sentences (or don’t respond to them at all), the dreaded discussion post still exists. Maybe looking at this will help you remember to do your posts (or not, doesn’t matter to me).


Aries: Don’t put your money on the Bengals or the Rams winning the super Bowl. Instead, put your money on no one showing up to class on Monday, no matter who wins.

Taurus:  Don’t get mad at Xavier for calling a remote day instead of a full-on snow day; they call it a remote day because there’s not even a remote chance anyone does any work.

Gemini: You’re like apple pie: Sure, you’re OK, but a little overrated. Be more like pumpkin pie: delicious, unique, voluptuous, underrated. 

Cancer: Watch out for creepy door-to-door salesmen who like to hock their goods around Norwood. If you open your door and see little girls holding boxes of cookies, SLAM that sh*t in their DISGUSTING, little faces before they can scam you. 

Leo: Don’t go to karaoke at Dana’s. The guy who runs it has a much better voice than you and will show you up every time.

Virgo: You can run, and you can hide, but you can never escape your friend who wants you to sign up for Community Action Day. 

Libra: Join the Xavier Orchestra. They desperately need a new Viola player; the last one was killed in a Violing accident. 

Scorpio: Xavier is going to send you a hefty fine unless you buy a parking pass for that dump truck ass you’ve got. 

Sagittarius: Just because something is free doesn’t mean it’s good. Take, for example, the free charging stations in GSC: there are three of them, and exactly zero of them work. 

Capricorn: Russian/Ukraine tension is heating up, but you could cool the situation down if you convince Putin to watch the new season of Euphoria. He will see a lot of himself in Cassie. 

Aquarius: Do not wish death upon your enemies; instead, wish that they give birth to a centipede and go broke buying shoes. 
Pisces: If you ever feel down, remember that you are perfect and made in God’s image. Unless you’re left-handed, of course, in which case you were gestated in a tube by Left-Hand Larry in his lab.