Features

Back Page 1/20/22


Parking Survey BONUS CONTENT

By Avery Strychasz, Staff Writer

Did you get an email asking you to fill out a parking survey? Are you also wondering why it was mainly about bikes? Well, boy have we got the product for you! For only 17 payments of $99.99,* you can gain access to the exclusive VHS tapes of what really went down at that parking survey meeting.

Not only will you receive the voice recordings of key Xavier decision-makers, but you will also receive Google-automated transcripts with gems like:

“Students in R3 are pieces of… (word not recognized)… future of Xavier is… Pizza ATM.”

And…

“Bikes are the way… mind control… sustainability… Pizza ATM.”

You’ll also receive exclusive access to the uncensored** and unabridged parking survey, with questions like:

“How much money does Xavier have to pay you to take the SAC UBBR (the cart that drives students around campus)?”

Or…

“Actually, we are not going to pay you. SAC UBBR is the only mode of transportation on campus, so we are going to actually charge you. Rate your satisfaction with SAC UBBR (We don’t really care about your feelings though):

a. SAC UBBR is my favorite part of the Xavier experience.

b. Yeah, SAC UBBR is pretty cool, but it’s not as cool as the Mall Train from    Muskies After Dark last Friday.

c. I have no feelings.

d. I’m just answering this for the free bike raffle.”

But wait, there’s more! If you call the number below in the next 10 hours, we will throw in the entire archive of Newswire paper editions at no cost to you.*** That’s right, you will receive all issues of the Newswire since 1915 at no additional cost to you!****

This offer is for a very limited time only, so it is imperative that you call:

1-800-THI-SIS-NOT-ARE-ALP-HON-ENU-MBER ext. BIKE. Once again, this offer will not last beyond 11:59 p.m. on Jan. 20, so act now!

*Payments can be directly charged to your XU Bursar account.

**Survey questions are G-rated.

***Shipping and handling not included.

****No, seriously, the shipping and handling on this is insane, so be prepared.


A Secret Peak at RateMyStudents.com

By Griffin Brammer, Digital Communications Manager

Gus McClintock, Business Major

Attendance: Awful  Would Teach Again: No  Grade: D  Textbook: Stolen

I would hold classes over Zoom just so I didn’t have to be in the presence of Gus. Not because of his room-filling ego, nor because of his resounding, almost infectious stupidity, but because of his staggering aroma of pineapple-lemonade Naturday and Menthol Juul pod. The least I can say is that he is in the perfect major. Who better to be harassing secretaries and teaching stock trading on TikTok then Gus McClintock?

Vanessa Lautermilch, Nursing Major

Attendance: Too often  Would Teach Again: No  Grade: C-  Textbook: Forgot

If in two to four years Ms. Lautermilch became my nurse, I would change my patient status to “Do Not Resuscitate” and pull the plug myself. Loud, obnoxious and apathetic, I have come to expect more personality from a colostomy bag… and not even a full one at that. I teach holistic nursing, or care for the whole person, but I whole-heartedly hate her entire person.

Albert Fleischmacher, Theatre Major

Attendance: Mid  Would Teach Again: No  Grade: P  Textbook: Eaten

Frankly? I’ve seen better acting from a possum in the middle of the highway. With that being said, I wish Albert would do the thespian world a favor and play dead. I may or may not have actually tried dropping sandbags and stage lights on his head while on stage. I did, however, manage to convince him that it was the “Phantom of the Xavier Theater,” to which he said, and I quote, “No way, like the Phantom of the Opera?!” No, Albert, like Tracy Turnblat.


Horoscopes

Aries: Stop telling people you’re an INTP or whatever made-up personality the Myers-Briggs test gave you. The stars have four letters for you: STFU.

Taurus: Treat yourself to Taste of Belgium this week. Nothing screams “self-care” more than spending $30 dollars on a singular waffle and four fluid ounces of mimosa. 

Gemini: There’s nothing wrong with playing Solitaire on your laptop during class; just be aware that everyone behind you is watching and getting frustrated with how bad you are. 

Cancer: You’re just like Mirabel from Encanto. Not because you’re funny or kind, but because you have no talent and your grandmother hates you. 

Leo: Make Lunchables a regular part of your diet. They’re better than whatever your roommate who thinks they can cook makes you. 

Virgo: You may think you are safe from the Blue Blob; this is what he wants you to think. The Blue Blob is a carnivorous creature, and he is at all times getting closer to you. 

Libro: You go to Dana’s every weekend, so why not switch things up? Perhaps see what the anime club is up to. I hear they host a killer Dungeons and Dragons game every Friday.

Scorpio: The grass that grows under your feet won’t feed any cows. 

Sagittarius: Just like the Bengals, you’re going to have a major comeback this week. Also just like the Bengals, it will come to an abrupt end this Saturday. 

Capricorn: You’re too hot to be single. Why don’t you ask out that hunky Back Page Editor? I hear he is very lonely. 

Aquarius: Everyone’s playing Wordle, but you’re too #unique to just blindly follow trends. Instead, bring back Farmville.


Pisces: It’s your responsibility to speak the truth, even when others are silent. Tell your friend that the Tik-Toks they send to the group chat aren’t that good.

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