SATIRE

By Maci Taylor, Back Page Editor 

Over the weekend Xavier’s students – 21 and up of course – indulged in the semesterly Golf Darty. Horribly tone-deaf wannabe DJ’s, lukewarm kegs and an unfortunate weather forecast all plagued this fall’s darty. It was not necessarily one for the ages, but it still made its impact on students, specifically those “freshmen” who had never consumed alcohol so openly and freely.  

But, as you age and attend multiple darties, you will notice some stereotypes prevail. Each dartygoer can fit into a distinct category based on their behavior, dress and attitude.  

Let’s start off with the frat business bros.

1. Obnoxious Frat Boys 

These are the types of guys who are very excited for the darty because that means they get to pull out one of their many actual golf polos that they wear to the HUB to practice on the simulator. Also, these are the types to throw open cans of alcohol in the air for the goal of spraying the liquid everywhere on everyone, then get upset when an army of girls charge at them. Result: Double Bogey. 

2. One Holers 

These are the types to take the pregame a little too seriously. There is an unfortunate lack of understanding that nine holes is a marathon, not a sprint. You see them being reluctantly, sometimes aggressively, dragged back to their dorms as regular drivers at the Montgomery and Cleneay intersection gawk at them. Carol from Hyde Park does not need to see you projectile vomit your Four Loko in the middle of the road. Result: Triple Bogey.

3. Ms/Mr. I Need Elevated Surfaces 

These are the ones that you will see climbing and scaling raised surfaces for purposes unknown. These people enjoy having a bird’s eye view of the gathering. But, ironically, these are usually some of the most problematic people, which makes the viewing process for those below a particularly sobering experience. Roof residers also belong in this category. Result: Bogey. 

4. Open Bathroomers 

These are the ones that use the back fencing of every house as their own toilet. The boys can be seen holding hands and sword fighting as the rest of the dartygoers warn their friends not to turn around unless they want to be faced with horrible images. There is a rumor floating around that the boys do not actually have to pee, they just miss being near their friends. So, they sacrifice their bladder’s well-being for seven seconds of heaven with the boys. Result: Double Bogey.

5. Girl Gone Mad 

These are the girls who use Golf as their opportunity to find a husband. You will probably find them drinking some sort of seltzer or wine and zeroed in on some poor communication major who came to have a good time. They might accidentally spill their drink on him or flirt by making fun of him, but it backfires because they were too mean. Result: Bogey.  

If you read this and recognize yourself as residing in one of these categories, just remember there is always next semester to change your ways!