SATIRE

By Marta Vallejo, Staff Writer  

For years, humanity has searched for the answers to some of life’s greatest mysteries. Who built the pyramids? Is Atlantis real? And most importantly, what is underneath Zendaya’s hat?  

Some contexts for those unaware, like me until last night, back in 2014, Zendaya wore this tall black hat to the red carpet. It seemed like an inconspicuous, innocent hat; however, the internet started digging deeper. For years, the meme grew into a conspiracy theory, with many trying to figure out what Zendaya was hiding in the hat, with thousands of people attempting to uncover the truth and, until now, all of them failing. Except for me.  

I’m here to reveal to you my very real and definitely confirmed theory of what the hat is ACTUALLY hiding. But first, my investigation process:  

My first thought when it came to this theory was that the internet was crazy and everyone had gone completely insane. I thought that there was no way Zendaya was hiding anything under that hat. But then I took a closer look; I spent countless hours researching what everyone said about the situation. How Zendaya herself reacted and realized people were right; there WAS something in that hat.  

I lost valuable study time, meaning I’ll probably fail my business analytics exam — but the lack of sleep awakened my mind to keep exploring.  

I started thinking about essentials a woman like Zendaya could be carrying. Makeup? Her phone? Snacks? All sounded possible. But they didn’t explain the ridiculous size of the hat. I had to keep looking.  

Perhaps she was taking a foldable chair inside. After all, a world-recognized actress like her would surely need her rest from time to time.  Maybe she needed emotional support more than physical support. Maybe she was hiding a small dog in the hat, meant to make her happy every time she felt tired.  

I was clearly getting somewhere. Unfortunately, I had no idea where. However, something still felt wrong. It felt like the hat was hiding something greater. Something bigger.   

We all know how beautiful Zendaya is and how many beautiful photos of her there are on the internet. Maybe she’s hiding her professional photographer in the hat, there to take her shot at every opportunity. Additionally, a makeup artist could also work, in order to fix her makeup for the perfect look.  

But then I thought about people, and that led me to someone else: Zendaya’s very own fiancé, Tom Holland. I mean, it was obvious! The hat was meant to bring the love of her life with her wherever she went, there to make her shine and support her in every way. Even Holland has joked about the hat, begging to be let out more often. It was perfect!  

Except, it wasn’t. See, while Zendaya’s fiancé makes sense for a hideable object in her hat, something still didn’t add up.  

The shape of the hat.  

The shape was abnormally tall and abnormally round. Almost too round. Like it resembled something else. Or someone else.  

I started to look inwards. Maybe I was searching for answers in the wrong place. I closed my laptop after 40 hours of staring at it. I saw the Blue Blob prancing around the yard, waving and hugging students wherever he went.  

It clicked.  

Zendaya’s hat was hiding Xavier’s very own blue blob. Suddenly, everything made sense. The oversized hat. The secrecy. The lack of explanation. The hat’s suspicious blue hue. I had spent hours looking for objects, food, even people and celebrities, when the answer had been sitting in plain sight, or, more accurately, sitting on Zendaya’s head.  

What the Blue Blob is doing in Zendaya’s hat, however, remains classified.