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SATIRE
By Patrick Rupinen, Staff Writer
After a three-month absence from Congress, Senator Mitch McConnell has decided to return to his job representing the great Commonwealth of Kentucky.
This led many people to wonder where McConnell has been for the past few months. While many believed that he was dead or suffering from medical illnesses, this is, of course, wrong. We here at Newswire havegotten the scoop on where McConnell was for the past three months. Where he has will shock and surprise you.
For his little sabbatical from the Senate, McConnell decided to join the war in Iran. Realizing that gas prices have gotten too high, he decided to take the fight to the Iranian regime.
Mitch is armed and ready to fight in the Iran War. He uses his electric wheelchair to speed to his enemies and eliminate them with his snapping jaw.
There is clear photographic evidence here of McConnell fighting in the mountains of Iran to overthrow their government. Here he is fighting with a group of partisans, helping to bring freedom to the people of Iran. Few people know that McConnell has distant family in Iran; as pictured, they have decided to join him in his fight.
Though he was not successful in defeating the Iranian regime, McConnell knows that his tortoise cousins will one day succeed in bringing freedom and prosperity to Iran. Franklin will free them inshallah.
After his fighting in Iran, McConnell decided to return here to the United States and visit family. He needed to listen to the needs and worries of his family in the swamps and forests, deserts and streams of the U.S.Here, he learned about the concerns facing the environment and how his family members face the risk of rising temperatures and companies polluting the country. He sadly had to break the news to his family that he was retiring and, after 41 years, would be unable to help.
The third place we learned McConnell decided to spend his vacation time was in children’s nightmares. Truly shocking to us here at Newswire, but yes, McConnell has discovered a way to enter children’s nightmares.
Mitch slowly creeps in the dark basements of Kentuckians, but when the owners check the basement, they only find a statue of a man who looks uncannily like a turtle.
Inspired by the movie “Nightmare on Elm Street,” McConnell found a way to enter the nightmares of children. Since he had already spent most of his three-month vacation helping America and visiting family, he decided to have some fun. Here is our recreation of one incident where he is waiting to jump out from behind a box in a creepy basement, scaring a five-year-old child and ruining their night. Nothing brings more joy to McConnell than the knowledge that he has caused a child to cry.
Having finished his vacation with a little fun, McConnell decided to return to the Senate. To keep all that he had done secret, he decided to pretend that he was only recovering from an illness.
His looking and acting like he is barely alive is only an act and in fact he is completely cognizant of what is going on. Thankfully, he will be retiring at the end of this current term, which means that he can continuehis adventures. Who knows where McConnell will go next; maybe travel to the Galapagos to visit his turtle family there, or maybe he’ll go to the depths of the ocean to become king of the sea turtles.
