Week of Worry
By Grady Boris, Staff writer
Welcome back to Xavier! We hope you had a relaxing break, because you’re going to need to be well rested for what’s coming. While we have traditionally hosted a Week of Welcome to welcome students back to campus and ease anxiety, we felt that was overdone. Instead, we’re happy to announce the Week of Worry, a week dedicated to maximizing anxiety. Here are some of the events that will be going on around campus:
Guerilla Tactics: Walking around campus shouldn’t be as easy as it is. This week, there are SAC members placed around campus who’ll jump out and spook you because, you know, they can. Think of it as a diet mugging.
Reverse Finals: End-of-semester cumulative exams are too cliché. Instead, those exams will be at the beginning of the semester, just to give you a taste of how god-awful this semester might (and will) be! Did poorly? No worries! As long as you sacrifice a calf to the Blue Blob and say five Hail Hanyczes, your professor might round your grade up.
Tuition Cost Rising: Too soon? Yeah, probably too soon.
Dining Hall Trebuchets: Regular scoops to serve food didn’t fit what we wanted to do for this Week of Worry. Instead, food will now be launched at you via medieval siege weaponry. Don’t worry; it’s not going THAT fast, and besides, the plates double as shields.
Game Day Parking, Every Day: Students now get to live the hell of trying to find a parking spot when a game is held at Cintas Center without the basketball. Good luck weaving through campus now that everything’s blocked off. Because, you know, we can.
Dining Hall Closes Early: Already worried about food and how it doesn’t fit your schedule? Good, because it’s only getting worse. As part of this middle finger of a week to our students, the dining hall will now be closing at 3 p.m. Don’t worry though, Currito is still open, so you can get a burrito for the low, low price of an arm, a leg, three semesters of tuition cost and your first-born child.
We here at Xavier are proud to bring to you this Week of Worry and hope you fear everything and everyone! While it may not necessarily be in line with Xavier’s Jesuit teachings, the school gave us a ton of money and we want to have fun, damnit.
Take It Off Director
By Kayla Ross, Staff writer
What’s up, Muskies! Xavier University has officially hired me as the “Take It Off” director, a position intended to assist students in knowing what to take off, such as these foul and tormenting items of clothing. Hopefully, this initiative proves more effective than the Cintas Center’s mask policy. If I catch you wearing any of the following, I’m sending you home to Take! It! Off!
Hey Dudes Shoes: Hey dude, we get it; they’re comfy, and they slip on. But they are actually an abomination to my eyes. You better be wearing socks with those things, or else you have a fungal infection coming your way. Just buy white Vans like everyone else. I promise you’re not that special.
Tennessee Titans Gear: I shouldn’t have to explain why this needs to come off. The Titans just lost a playoff game to a team known for being historically and epically bad. Titans gear is embarrassing. Get a Daddy Burrow jersey instead — you live in Cincinnati now. (Joe Burrow: If you’re reading this, hit my line.)
Shorts: Yeah, you may be from Boston or Cleveland or something and be used to a foot of snow everyday, but it’s actually 11 degrees outside. As our queen Dua Lipa once said, “IDGAF where you’re from.” Put on some pants, please. No one wants to see your chicken legs and cankles (cow ankles, for those who may not know). We may as well call you Old MacDonald. Let the shorts go.
Navy Blue On Black: I understand that our school color is navy blue. However, black and navy blue is never acceptable. Invest in some gray sweatpants, or just wear jeans maybe. I promise it looks better, and everyone owns one of the two. Just say no to black with the Muskie gear. The Blue Blob will thank you.
Skinny Jeans: I thought this debate was so last year, but I have seen way too many skinny jeans on the streets of Xavier lately. Do yourself a favor and throw out the skinny jeans. Straight cut or flare looks better on every body type, and they definitely make your butt look better, too. If you wear skinny jeans, I’m going to go ahead and assume that within the last six months, you have worn a side part and have used one of the following hashtags: #adulting, #catmom, #dogmom, #needcoffeeandjesus or #gryffindor. The skinny jeans really, really need to come off — especially if they are the kind that have patches underneath so that skin doesn’t show.
Aries: Too many discussion posts start with “I agree!” Next time you do one, straight up cyberbully your peers.
Taurus: Never trust an MF who pronounces “egg” like “AY-g.” If you are one of those MFs, please stop. I b-AY-g you.
Gemini: The Blue Blob just celebrated his birthday with a massive surprise party. The only time your friends will ever surprise you like that is with an intervention.
Cancer: It’s unfair that some majors have parties while others don’t. Be a trailblazer and host the first Land, Agriculture and Community major party.
Leo: Sign up to be a Manresa leader. Next year will be more fun than ever, as leaders are now allowed to whack misbehaving first-years with those big signs they carry around!
Virgo: Join the official Xavier Discord server. It’s an exciting group chat where people ask about parties then remember that no one who uses Discord has ever been to a party.
Libra: Someone is praying on your downfall right now. Subvert their expectations by ruining your own life in ways they could never even imagine.
Scorpio: Check out the Cincinnati Art Museum this week. It’s totally free, and I can confirm there are exactly six paintings where a dude hangs dong.
Sagittarius: You have not gone to church in a long time. You may think it doesn’t matter and no one cares, but that’s where you’re wrong: Father B cares, and you have made him very sad.
Capricorn: Join the army. Not the U.S. army, but the Swiss army. That way, if WW3 breaks out, you know you won’t see any combat. I also hear you get sweet knives.
Aquarius: The next time you go out to eat, pretend it’s your birthday. You’ll never feel more powerful than when you trick 12 minimum wage workers into singing an off-brand and off-key “Happy Birthday” song for you.
Pisces: This week, you’re going to be assigned a group project with that PPP kid in your class who always asks for more homework. Just drop the course.