Back Page 1/13/22

New Year, New You

We’re tired of the old you, so try some of these new years resolutions to make yourself more tolerable! <3 🙈

     With (Eastern Orthodox Church) New Year’s Eve coming up this January (14th), it’s time to start thinking of resolutions! Resolutions are a quick, fun tradition as old as using two zeroes for New Years sunglasses! If you don’t feel like taking the time to think of ways to better yourself, allow Newswire to lend a hand.

1. Ask for help more often

     Although maybe not too often. You’re taking advice from a back page article after all, Mr. Pathetic. This is the page that said Martin Van Buren was the sexiest President. Pee-Yew! Something stinks… oh, it’s just your reek of desperation.

2. Stop smoking

     Look. There’s no shame here, but the facts are all right here. It’s a bad habit. And, yet, this problem seems to be an exclusively American problem. Yeah, sure, a few countries are known to smoke here or there, but nowhere on the same scale as America. You can’t go anywhere — parties, sports games, even good ol’ fashioned backyard barbecues — without seeing at least one smoker! And don’t even get me started on the many contaminants it’ll end up putting in your body. We need to admit it… it’s time to invest in an air fryer. It’s so much more reliable in properly cooking your meats AND doesn’t require fresh applewood chips!

3. Get out more

     Exercise is important (take it from a B average nursing major!), and in our busy lives, it isn’t always easy to get fit. However, exercise takes many forms and functions. Don’t like the gym setting? Self conscious? You could get a partner! Marlene the elderly lady prancercising around R3 and her grandkids on Facetime are DYING to meet you (Just don’t forget your velour tracksuit).

4. Don’t listen to him

     The man that lives in the woods. The one who hides behind the pines. The one with the deer pelt that smells like rusted iron. Don’t listen to him. He may offer you wildberries and the sweetest pine sap you’ve ever tasted, but it’s a lie. They taste like rot. You need to wake up. You need to see the rot. You need to get him out. Get him out of your head. Get him out of my head. GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD.

5. Learn to forgive

     We only live once, so bury the hatchet and rebuild those burnt bridges! So someone promised to take you to Longhorn Steakhouse for your birthday and instead you woke up the next morning missing part of your liver? It grows back! Things happen! Rabbit holes are meant for you to go down! One thing we can all learn this Eastern Orthodox New Year, it’s that I am not legally or fiscally responsible for organ trafficking or harboring!


Aries: You’ll have a glow-up this semester, just like the Caf with its slick new paint job and crispy new fries.

Taurus: The Omicron variant is running rampant, so the stars recommend you avoid any superspreader events, such as packed sports games. We apologize if this warning came late for any of you.

Gemini: Now is the perfect time to re-download Tinder. There’s an abundance of desperate people who failed to hook up with anyone in their hometown over break. 

Cancer: Recently, there’s been a lot of mosquitos in your soup. But sometimes in life, you find mosquitos can be pretty tasty. 

Leo: Take the pressure off yourself to prove that you know what you’re doing and life will get a lot easier. Just accept that you’re a failure and have fun with it. 

Virgo: The stars want you to find beef with someone as intense as the beef between Elmo and Rocco. 

Libra: Buy yourself some sweater vests. Venus predicts “Mr. Rogers chic” will be the sexy, new look in 2022.

Scorpio: Tomorrow, Xavier will announce that all students must upload documentation to MedProctor proving they ain’t a b*tch. Failure to comply will result in expulsion. 

Sagittarius: Don’t get your wisdom teeth removed. They’re the only bit of wisdom you’ve got.

Capricorn: Don’t worry too much about catching COVID-19. Just like an emo phase, it’s something that’ll happen to all of us.

Aquarius: Recently, the National Security Agency domestic terrorist watchlist was leaked. I recommend you check if you’re on it, because every person on there is an Aquarius. 

Pisces: Sometimes it’s OK to put pearls before swine. Swine deserve to look beautiful, too.