Back Page 11/17/2021

Santa is a class traitor

As the Christmas season rolls on in (before you say it, no one cares about Thanksgiving — it’s Christmas time), it brings with it the holiday cheer that we all know and love.And who is a better embodiment of the holiday spirit than Santa Claus himself? But what if I told you Santa is a class traitor and a member of the social elite?

See, Santa started off as a humble orphan left on the doorstep of a modest mom & pop toy shop. But now he’s turned that very same shop into a multinational toy conglomerate. 

Now, that just doesn’t happen overnight. His “Christmas magic” is just exploiting labor. I mean, c’mon, how else do you think your electronics from Santa are made? The same way your iPhone from Mom was made: with the help of a pair of 7-year-old hands.

Why we don’t view Santa the same as the likes of Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg (resident sigma male) and Bill Gates is beyond me. He has left his working class brethren and joined the rich elites, going against every reason he began making toys. He has even ditched his actual name of Kris Kringle, as if Santa is some superhero moniker. You’re not Batman fatso, chill out a little bit and remember where you came from. 

Santa works for the bourgeoisie, and just the same as “birds,” if it flies, it spies. Any more Soviet references and the mention of Christmas red will be McCarthyist.

Santa should be treated the same as other elitists. Eat the rich? No no no, eat Santa and all of his stupid milk and cookies. Besides, who runs on solely cookies and milk? He’s not full of jolly, he’s full of high cholesterol and false hope.

So this holiday season, just remember to treat Santa Claus with the proper amount of (dis)respect. Remember that you owe your new Xbox to some elf worker named Jerry (but don’t actually thank him — he lost his pension back in ‘08 and isn’t all too nice).

Grady Boris is a staff writer for Newswire. He is a first-year toy-making major from Drøbak, Norway.

Spoiler Alert! The stars know what you’re getting for Christmas!

Aries: A pet rock. He will only respond to the name “Gerald.”

Taurus: One of those trees they’re selling on campus. Comes with a free family of aggressive squirrels. 

Gemini: Fortnite V-Bucks: the next big thing in cryptocurrency. 

Cancer: Cancer.

Leo: A lifetime subscription to Cat Fancy magazine.  “For the fancy man who fancies felines. Rawr.”

Virgo: A friend. You better open the box fast — Santa didn’t punch any airholes. 

Libra: A board game that looks fun, but none of your friends or family will play it with you because the rulebook is 20 pages long. 

Scorpio: A scorpion, loose in your home. Santa will not tell you where it is, but it is there. Somewhere. 

Sagittarius: Eight maids a-milking. What are they milking? That’s up for you to decide 

😉 😉 😉 

Capricorn: A trip to space with Jeff Bezos. Don’t worry, he will tenderly hold your hand if you get scared. 

Aquarius: Nothing. You are Jewish.

Pisces: Weird Al’sGreatest Hits on vinyl. I actually really want this one, so if you don’t want yours, please deliver it to the Newswire office.