By Sebastian Aguilar and Griffin Brammer, Staff Writer and Digital Communications Manager
He acts as the game’s tutorial. He’ll teach you the ins and outs: how to heal at the Caf, the quickest routes around campus and, of course, the bars that don’t card. Tutorials are a bit of a drag, but he’s a fan favorite because of the funny way he’s forced to introduce his pronouns in his frat boy voice.
Your first-year roommate
Will give you the main quest: “Man, This Guy Stinks!” You’ll either be attached at the hip for a while, or they will try to kill you; there is no in-between. Regardless, once you shake them off or kill them in self defense, the tutorial ends, and you’re off on your adventure.
Conspiracy theory Bible thumper gal
You’ll probably first meet her in some establishing cutscene where she’s drawing a large crowd, rambling about how GMOs are secret magic from the devil. She’s the type to give you a side quest, but not even a good one. Collect twenty lizard tails? Yeah right, lady. Follow her tedious quests for long enough, and she’ll bring you to her companion group meeting in the basement of Alter Hall, where it’s revealed she’s a cult leader/secret optional boss. If you beat her, you get the rare sword, “Catholic Hilt.”
Ultimate frisbee player
Exclusive to the university and not found elsewhere. They will offer the “I Swear It’s a Real Sport” side quest, which forces you to join an intramural team. Depending on which you choose, you will get a different quest title, such as “It’s just a game, man” or “Tryhard.”
- Will increase your strength and agility stats
- Grants the intramural activity achievement
Student Activities Council (SAC): Shadow organization
Tucked away in its bouncy castle dungeon, protected by layers upon layers of student government grunts, lies the culprit behind the Eternal (Muskies After) Darkness: SAC. Here, it is revealed that they are not just one person, nor a group, but more so a huge floating head that subsists only on ATM pizza. If you manage to defeat it, you get the achievement “SACrilege.”
Newswire copy editor
Largely relegated to the background and don’t get any recognition. But we, the two writing this guide, recognize their hard work! Their voice lines include:
- “That doesn’t follow AP Style!”
- “You can’t say that, Sebastian!”
The business undecided major
Just look at him: standing in the corner, flannel over hoodie, holding a red solo cup… he has NPC written all over him. Akin to the guard who stands in the corner of the plaza and only tells you to have a nice day, this guy was programmed with only two lines of dialogue. I hope you’re ready to hear about his Patrick Bateman Halloween costume and his last game of Beer Die, because that’s about the only thing of interest you’ll get out of him.
Sexy, romanceable NPC
Mostly made as fan service for horny gamers. You better look out, though; he’s been to a lot of parties and knows a lot of girls. He also puts the “gaslight” in “Non-playable character.” What do you mean there’s no G? Babe, I never said that, you’re so silly! If you want to get some alone time, you need to have a high charisma stat. You go to a Jesuit school, though, so you don’t. Honestly though? Take it from us; it’s not worth it. The only loot you’ll get is the chlamydia debuff. They say things like:
- “I don’t have chlamydia.”
- “You’re the only girl I talk to, babe.”
- “Trust me, I don’t even know why you think I have chlamydia.”
- “Do you shave down there?”
- “A loading screen tip told you I had it? Babe, they’re obviously lying to you, which is something I’d never do. By the way, send nudes?”
- “Who are you gonna trust, some loading screen? Or me?”
RA that only speaks to tell you to pull your mask over your nose
She was added alongside a plethora of “mask” cosmetic items in a free inferiority-of-life update back in March 2020. She doesn’t do much herself, but the masks she hands out to new players do protect from most poison damage. But you better hurry! This is a limited time only event that will end ddhidhaslfhsfhodslk!
A fan favorite pet — can be mountable if bravery stat is high enough.
Sandwich Line Man: The Shopkeep
They’re just doing their job. Regardless of gender, they’re referred to as Sandwich Line Men. They provide you with various health-restoring items and sometimes fun dialogue.
- “Whatchu want, boss?”
- “What meat?”
- “You hear that new Young Thug album?”
Grants the achievement “Meat Mountain” if you pick the “Surprise me!” dialogue option. They will look at you unkindly if you purchase the “Philly Cheese Steak” item.
The Blobcast Christmas Special
Catch a new episode of THE BLOBCAST premiering this Friday on the Newswire YouTube channel. In this episode, the show’s got a new producer, and his name is Santa Claus.
Aries: Always write a good introduction for your essays. Don’t be like our men’s basketball team and have a weak opener 😳.
Taurus: Your goal this week is to go inside the Clock Tower. Not the Clock Tower Lounge, the Clock Tower. Someone’s got to find out if there’s a little guy in there making the bell ring.
Gemini: Try out your phone’s new predictive text feature. It helps you generate an excuse for why you can’t see your theatre friend in Lysistrata.
Cancer: Avoid the internet for a while: Scenes from the new Spider-Man movie just leaked. I won’t tell you what happens, but I will tell you that the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man makes an appearance and acts super racist.
Leo: Go to Listermann’s this weekend. It’s just like Dana’s, but instead of being packed with 50 people in their 20s, it’s packed with 20 people in their 50s.
Virgo: Stop using pet names. Her name isn’t “my love” or “honey bunches of oats,” it’s Megan.
Libra: You and your most-hated professor are going to pull a Freaky Friday and swap bodies this week. He’ll learn how hard it is to be a student, while you’ll learn the ins and outs of a hellish divorce.
Scorpio: Don’t smoke pot before coming to campus. You may run into Father B, and that man can always tell when you’re high.
Sagittarius: Get a jump start on your Christmas music listening. They say if you listen to “All I Want For Christmas Is You” 1,000 times in one year, Mariah Carey will personally come to your home and shake your hand.
Capricorn: Trying to see some local art? Look no further than the second floor of GSC! It’s the perfect spot if your favorite artists are first-years in an FYS class.
Aquarius: Today’s going to be a great day. You’re going to find an ATM pizza in the trash, and it will only be half-eaten! Yum!
Pisces: Treat yourself to some delicious Goldfish crackers this week. Unless you’re one of those weirdos who prefers the pizza-flavored Goldfish, in which case, you don’t deserve a treat.