Features

Back Page 11/4/21

Bas-Squid-Ball Game

By Trevor Tiemeyer, Staff Writer

Being a rookie in the NBA, it is rather difficult to make your mark and get sponsorships. Well, not anymore — thanks to a new hit series brought to you by Under Armour. I present to you: the BaSQUIDball Games. This week-long competition will feature five death-defying games, where the final winner will receive a full sponsorship and be the new spokesperson for Under Armour. The games will feature contestants including Chris Duarte, Jonathan Kuminga, Josh Giddey and any other rookies who were too boring to get a sponsorship. Contestants will be selected based on need and their ability to waste money at an accelerated rate.

Here are the games:

Around the Armour: It’s like Around the World, but it’s around the Under Armour logo (key brand placement). You must make a shot from all eight outside corners within five minutes to continue. Any player who fails to complete the task will be eliminated.

Dribble Limbo: Contestants will limbo while dribbling the ball. Each contestant will have to pass through four times, with each time getting more and more difficult. Any limbo violations, or failure to dribble the ball, will constitute automatic elimination from the games.

Knockout: Contestants will compete in a traditional game of “Knockout.” Contestants’ courts will be based on the corresponding symbol they choose. There will be six symbols. Symbols include a basketball, whistle, backboard and more. The winner of each game will move on to the final challenge. If you are caught out, the guards will act accordingly.

SQUID: Firstly, you pick a trusted partner and friend, and then you head on out to pick your court. It’s like a game of PIG, but instead you have five mistakes. Each mistake you make, you lose a finger of your choice. First one to spell “SQUID,” dies.

I Will: The final challenge. It will be an every-man-for-himself battle royale on the court — one-on-one-on-one. There are no fouls; anything goes. First to 11 points wins the sponsorship, and the others are eliminated. Before this final game, each contestant will be fed a five-course meal, and they may keep anything from the meal — namely, a knife.

The final winner shall receive a full sponsorship from Under Armour and will be the newest spokesperson for the company. 

Paid for by The Under Armour Company and cooperation. Also supported by Nike, Fila, the NBA and the SGA.


Comic Caption Contest

Take a look at this comic on the right. Pretty funny, right? It appears D’Artagnan is carrying the Blue Blob into their Honeymoon Suite. How sweet. 

However, the comic lacks a caption. What could the Blob be saying to his new husband? Or perhaps D’Artagnan is the one saying something? 

It’s up to YOU to think of a funny caption. Submit them to our Instagram, @xavier.newswire to be featured. We’ll also pick one winner who’ll get to pick the theme for the next caption contest. They’ll also get bragging rights, of course.


Horoscopes

Aries: Halloween may be over, but expect Cincinnati to be spooky for a while longer. We just elected a mayor whose last name is literally “Pure Evil.”

Taurus: That class you just registered for is just like Chris Pratt voicing Garfield: a terrible pick.

Gemini: Don’t feel depressed. You have plenty of reasons to live; you haven’t even read my Alvin and the Chipmunks fanfiction where they’re in a throuple yet. 

Cancer: If you ever feel unloved, just remember that the FBI agents who are constantly watching you sold their 24/7 footage of your life to Brazil, where it is a very popular telenovela entitled “A Virgem Feia.

Leo: Quick tip: next time your refrigerator is busted, simply store all your food in Alter Hall. It’s actually as cold, if not colder than most name-brand refrigerators in there. 

Virgo: It can be hard to tell how healthy your headspace is, so here’s a quick test: Have you used TikTok in the last 24 hours? If so, you are mentally unwell. 

Libra: If your bro sends you memes on Instagram, that’s not your bro. That’s your future husband right there. Give ‘em a smooch. 

Scorpio: Your birthday is coming up, so happy birthday! Unless, of course, you are an October Scorpio, in which case you aren’t a true Scorpio; you’re just a poser Libra. 

Sagittarius: The liberal elite of Xavier don’t want you to know this, but the squirrels on campus are free. You are allowed to take one home to keep as a friend. 

Capricorn: If you live in Brockman, you are going to Hell. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

Aquarius: Your week is going to be like any SAC event: You’ll run into people you haven’t seen since Manresa, someone will give you free Raising Cane’s and it’ll only be fun for the first 20 minutes. 


Pisces: Try a new skill. You may be multi-talented like Ringo Starr, who is not only a legendary drummer, but also an MS Paint savant. Take a look:

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