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Back Page 10/28/21

Night on Victory Parkway

From Wikispookpedia, where students get the answers to their theology homework

Night on Victory Parkway is a 2021 fantasy comedy directed by Robert Warfel. It tells the story of a depressed XUPD officer who gets demoted to night patrolman on the campus of Xavier University and accidentally stumbles upon the curse of Father B. which causes the religious statues around campus to come alive under the gleam of the moonlight.

Plot

Scott Free is a campus security guard down on his luck who feels like his life is slowly deteriorating. After failing to reach his ticket quota, Free gets put on night patrol. But once night falls, Scott discovers something peculiar: The campus icons come alive!

Patrolling around Smith Hall, Free gets a big ole’ dose of Catholic guilt from Mother Theresa as she berates him for not calling his mom every Sunday. After promising to do better — and five “Hail Marys” — Free thinks he is home free. Until he walks down the stairs to see both the Saint Francis’ playing Beer Pong!? Whenever St. Francis Xavier isn’t looking, Assisi’s tiny deer jumps up and knocks off one of the cups!

It isn’t until Free meets up with D’Artagnan that Scott discovers the true meaning of the Jesuit values. After a quick one-v.-one in the Cintas Center, Scott finds out what he has truly been missing in his life: Caf dinners cooked by James E. Hoff himself.

Cast

  • Kevin James as Officer Scott Free
  • Dame Judi Dench as Mother Teresa
  • Timothée Chalamet as St. Francis of Assisi
  • Owen Wilson as Tiny deer
  • Steve Buscemi as St. Ignatius
  • Willem Dafoe as D’Artagnan
  • Will Smith as Father James E. Hoff
  • Sir Patrick Stewart as St. Francis Xavier

UDF: A Paranormal Investigation

By Melissa Navarra and Julia Lankish, Staff writers

Have you ever seen the UDF on the corner of Montgomery and Dana empty? Nearly all who know the place would not be able to say they had.

Strangely, several eyewitnesses who had been near the 24/7 gas station at 11 p.m. on Wednesday reported that the premises were completely deserted, but the lights inside the convenience store were still on.

“Yeah bruh, UDF did not come in clutch last night. Me and the boys stopped by, and we couldn’t get in to hit up the beer cave,” one student said. “Fr?” a Newswire correspondent asked. “Fr,” he responded.

The empty neighborhood staple sent shockwaves through the Norwood community. Its frequent patrons were forced to go to the sketchier UDF down the street. The same question lingers in the minds of all affected: Where did everyone go? The typically-buzzing building had been stripped of its life, and our investigative journalists at the Newswire were determined to get to the bottom of it.

Immediately after arriving at the scene, our staff detective noted that the parking lot was lit by a full moon. This was strange, because five minutes earlier the moon had been crescent-shaped. She also reported that there was, in fact, no one working or shopping inside, and no one pumping gas or hanging out outside.

Several pairs of glowing eyes could be seen staring from the bushes across the street, according to journalists present. Our detective said she experienced the classic movie moment where as she was looking at the eyes a comically large truck drove by and once it had passed, the eyes were gone.

After being on the scene for a comically short amount of time, the team came to their conclusion: that UDF is run by werewolves. This discovery is massive and should hopefully result in Pulitzers for those involved in breaking the news.

This type of investigation proves exactly why Newswire is the most vital organization on Xavier’s campus. Below you’ll find a link to a petition to have all of SAC’s massive budget transferred to the Newswire so we can hire essential staff detectives and a paranormal investigator. Please consider signing, and make sure to avoid UDF after 11 p.m. for your own safety.


The Stars Predict Your Death

Aries: Murdered by a serial killer. And not even a fun one with a cool costume or calling card. Just a boring, regular one. 

Taurus: An alien burning out of your chest. This is one of the lamest ways to die — so cliche. 

Gemini: Too much swag. Excruciating pain will define the final months of your life. Recovery will be agonzing after the doctors unsuccessfully attempt to surgically remove the excess swag. Your dying words will be “#YOLO.”

Cancer: Blood drank by a vampire. This won’t be one of those nice vampires that bites you and turns you into one of them. This’ll be one of those jagoffs who just suck you dry and leave you in their basement. 

Leo: Food Poisoning. This one’s on you. Why the hell would you get sushi at UDF?

Virgo: Eaten by King Kong. You don’t even taste good; he’s just going to chew you up then spit you out. 

Libra: Drinking Cincinnati tap water. Mmmm, that sweet taste of of lead and radon.

Scorpio: Mauled to death by the cast of Xavier’s Mamma Mia!. You shouldn’t have said you preferred American Idiot. 

Sagittarius: Death by hotness. Seeing someone who is too sexy can be deadly for someone with your Christian sensibilities. And who’s the hunk who’ll do you in? Young Buzz Lightyear, of course. 

Capricorn: Ego Death. This is what happens when you take too much acid and think you’re God.

Aquarius: Choking on your own spittle. A fitting end for a half-witted buffoon such as yourself. 
Pisces: Old age. This is the most horrific fate of them all, as you’ll actually have to live out the rest of your miserable life.

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