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Back Page 10/21/21

More SGA campaigns to vote for

They missed the election entirely, but they still want your vote

Good for (X)U

President: Jerard Whey

Junior culinary science major

Vice President: Jonah Kill

Junior early childhood education major

Vice President: Tyler, the Destroyer

Junior PPP (Pee, Pee and the Poo) major

Goals & Plans for Office: 

New Food Options

  • We’re going to try to get a curry spot on campus. It’ll probably end up being butchered and turned into another Blue Blob’s place with the Blob wearing a culturally-insensitive outfit as the branding.

Music Guidelines for Gallagher Student Center and the Hoff Dining Commons

  • No more Top 50 playing while you’re trying to study. Only smooth jazz, Mary J. Blige or Clairo.

Funding for the Arts

  • Only for impressionist paintings and XUFM, though. 
  • We aren’t big into theater. 

SGA Reform

  • Propose a top-down system of government where the three of us have complete authority to make whatever changes we see fit. 
  • The SGA assembly has the option to vote yes or no on our proposals. However, their votes aren’t binding, and they’re actively discouraged from voting no against us. 
  • Some of our opponents have called us fascists for proposing these changes. They will be dealt with. 

The Impractical Jokers

President: Sal Vulcano

Junior comedy major, studying under the Don’t Tell Anna Scholars Program

Vice President: Joe Gatto

Junior veterinary services major

Vice President: Brian “Q” Quinn

Sandwich-maker at the Caf

Secretary of the Interior: James “Murr” Murray

First-year nursing major

WARNING: The following platform contains paragraphs of graphic stupidity written by four lifelong friends who compete to embarrass each other.

Goals & Plans for Office: 

  • Mandate that all lifelong friends on campus must compete to embarrass each other. 
  • Any student who does not complete every embarrassing task their friends command of them will receive a mark on the “loser board.”
  • Students with the most marks by the end of the episode will be publicly outed as “tonight’s biggest loser.”
  • “Tonight’s biggest loser” will have a freeze instated over all their Xavier accounts, both academic and financial. They will also be locked out of their dorms.
  • Bring nutritious and new food options to campus.

Why do you want to serve? We don’t.

All for Top One Percent, and One for All

President: Geoffery Bozo

First-year electrical engineering and computer science double major

Vice President: Marc Zuckercorn

First-year psychology and computer science double major

Vice President: Eli Mosque

First-year physics and business double major

Campaign Platform: Our platform will be focused on exploiting engaging students to create a better community in accordance with our selfish interests Jesuit values.   

Goals & Plans for Office:

  • Make the Caf more efficient by creating a giant warehouse to employ 70% of Xavier students with minimal breaks.  
  • Install our new assistant AI, The MuskeHEARU, in all classrooms as well as dorms, restrooms, study spaces and cars on campus. 
  • Revamp the Entrepreneur Club so that all new ideas go straight to us. 
  • Collect web search data on Xavier University Wi-Fi to better understand our fellow students. 
  • Shut down Socialism club. 
  • Go to space. 

Why do you want to serve? As college age students ourselves, we want to relate to the fellow young people and create a monopoly on awesome campus fun. 


Horoscopes

Aries: You’ve got to see Mamma Mia! this weekend. Xavier Theatre is doing a bold interpretation where Donna is secretly a velociraptor in disguise, but only eagle-eyed viewers will be able to tell. 

Taurus: Sora has joined Smash, Harry Styles has joined the MCU; this is clearly a BIG week for virginity. Embrace it. 

Gemini: While making post-college plans may seem scary, at least look on the bright side: you’ll never have to deal with stinky degreeworks ever again. 

Cancer: Dating apps can be fun, but make sure to watch out for red flags. If their top artist on Spotify is Weezer, block them immediately. 

Leo: Mad at someone but can’t tell them to their face? Try swearing at them in Spanish. I called my annoying professor a “bastardo” and boy, was he confused! 

Virgo: Don’t let your partner push you around. If you want the Minecraft soundtrack stay on during sex, then it stays on. 

Libra: Whatever your major is now is not your true calling. Your true calling is to become a prolific Diary of a Wimpy Kid fanfiction author. 

Scorpio: The SGA election is over, but who cares? The only SGA election you should care about is the Silly Goose Association election, where they vote on the silliest goose in America.

Sagittarius: Don’t bother meeting with your academic advisor. The stars have all the advising you need. They advise you to drop out.

Capricorn: Some people have comfort food or a comfort show; you have a comfort Wikipedia article. It’s “Supreme Soviet of the Turkmen Soviet Socialist Republic.” Doesn’t that sound comforting?

Aquarius: Don’t feel pressured to follow trends; you don’t need to watch Squid Game, you don’t need to read about the Bad Art Friend and you don’t need to “wear deodorant” just because everyone’s telling you to.

Pisces: I can’t tell you what will happen to you this week, but I can tell you it involves that creepy-ass mask Kanye was seen wearing. 

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