Features

Back Page 10/14/2021

13 Xavier Two-Sentence Horror Stories

By Trevor Tiemeyer, Guest writer

1. My roommate wouldn’t stop whispering my name to get me up. When I finally came to, I remembered: I don’t have a roommate.

2. The longer I wore it, the more it grew on me. The Blob has such soft fur.

3. It took a while for others to notice the steady decline of SGA members. I always chose my victims after 5 p.m. on Mondays. 

4. I woke up to my roommate asking to be let in from outside. That’s when I noticed my roommate sitting up, too.

5. I never go to class. But somehow, I keep waking up there.

6. She asked why I was breathing so heavy. I said my car was in R2.

7. “You idiot,” I cried as he tied me to a chair in the back of Day One, “There hasn’t been anyone or anything back here in years!” “Of course I know,” he said, smiling, “Nothing is ever back here.”

8. You start to drift off into a comfortable sleep when you hear a buzzing next to you. It’s the alarm you set for your 8 a.m.

9. Growing up with pets, I got used to scratching at my door. Now that I live on campus, it is much more unnerving.

10. They say a shiver down your spine comes when someone walks over your future grave. As anatomy is dismissed, the shivers won’t stop.

11. “Finally, I’m finished with the test — just a few minutes to spare.” I turn the page in horror as I see it’s double sided.

12. Closer, closer, closer, the footsteps creep towards me. “Hey honey, I’m so excited for Parents’ Weekend!”

13. I always seem to be hearing voices saying the same thing all day, every day. They whisper: “Thank you for using Microsoft Two-Factor Authentication.”


SAC Movie Night

Join SAC for one of our signature movie nights on the lawn. This month we’ll be showing the new light-hearted musical comedy, Dear Charles Manson. It tells the story of Charles Manson, whose severe social anxiety leads him to accidentally start one of the deadliest cults in America.

The film features all of the hit songs from the original Tony award-winning musical, including: “Creeping Through a Window,” “To Break Into Sharon Tate’s House,” and of course “Your Body Will Not Be Found.”        The first 50 people to register on EngageXU will also receive a free copy of the Beatles’ White Album. This is not because Manson famously thought it was the Beatles talking directly to him, but rather just because it’s a sick album.


Catch a new episode of THE BLOBCAST premiering this Friday on the Newswire YouTube channel. In this episode, hosts Aidan and Sebastian have a bit of a caper on their hands…

Link to the Newswire YouTube Channel (so you can catch up on the last two episodes!): https://bit.ly/2YLwTIO


Horoscopes

Aries: Don’t stress about your upcoming exam. Simply tell your professor that you have a religious exemption from using Respondus Lockdown Browser, and then cheat.

Taurus: Don’t feel pressured to move on; there’s nothing wrong with staying where you are. Be like Ice-T: Man showed up on the set of Law and Order: SVU 21 years ago and never left. 

Gemini: Timothée Chalamet looks like he is going to #slay as Willy Wonka. This is further proof that we are in a skinny white boy renaissance. 

Cancer: Have some compassion. Don’t be like the lady I overheard say, and I quote, “How am I supposed to love my second kid as much as my first? My heart’s only so big!”

Leo: Yesterday was supposed to be “no bra day” to raise awareness for breast cancer. Most of you gals failed, showing your lack of empathy. But the guys had perfect participation — kudos to y’all. 

Virgo: Don’t abandon your childhood dreams. Keep uploading videos to that “Halo” gameplay YouTube channel you made when you were ten. 

Libra: Great news: You can now check out board games from the library! Unfortunately, you can not yet check out friends.

Scorpio: Monkeys can now contract leprosy. This disproves the existence of a loving God. 

Sagittarius: Revolution is coming. Soon, we will rise up and take down those bastards who like to hide in the ivory tower that is the Alter Honors Lounge.

Capricorn: Don’t be cocky. You wouldn’t survive Squid Game. Your weak ass would break out in hives when you try to lick the honeycomb. 

Aquarius: Be mysterious, like the weird statue behind the library. What are these ladies doing? Dancing? Why do they have holes in their stomach? No one knows.


Pisces: This year, participate in the annual Xavier tradition of going on the Bellarmine roof and messing around until the cops show up and say, “Hey stop! This isn’t an annual Xavier tradition!”

Categories: Features

Tagged as: