Features

Back Page: 10/7/2021

As October begins, so does spooky season. And in honor of spooky season, it’s time for us to honor the icons of horror in this fun game of

Monster Mash: F, Marry or Kill

So, you down for a little graveyard smash?

By Jacob Smith, Staff Writer

Dracula: F

The hickeys would be hard to cover up, but he’s not based on Vlad the Impaler for 

nothing.

Norman Bates: F

He loves role playing and surprises in the shower, and he has a huge Hitchcock.

The Mummy: Kill

Trust me, it looks better with its clothes on.

The Shark from Jaws: F

Hey, my grandma said you should try everything at least once.

Jack Torrance: Kill

Ladies, if your man smashes the bathroom door in with an axe before knocking, that’s a deal breaker.

Michael Myers: F

He likes it rough, he’s always down to come over when you’re home alone and he spends most of his life in an asylum, so there’s no commitment necessary. Plus, he kind of resembles William Shatner.

Freddy Krueger: Kill

Playtime in the bathtub is fun, but if I’m gonna commit to someone, I feel like I should at least have some space away from them in my dreams.

Hannibal Lecter: Marry

When you find a doctor that can cook and loves face peels, you’d be crazy not to lock that down.

Those Huge Floating Red Lips from the Opening of Rocky Horror Picture Show: F

I mean… right?

The Phantom of the Opera: F

You can’t listen to Ramin Karimloo’s version of “Music of the Night” without having these same thoughts.

Morticia Addams: Marry

I don’t know if the Addams Family counts, but I don’t care; I need a goth mommy GF.

Alien: Kill

Sure, the two mouths are intriguing, but getting pregnant by one of these things would be gut-wrenching. Not worth the risk.

Megan Fox from Jennifer’s Body: Kill

Obviously, have you seen the movie? She kills people. She’s a bad guy.

It Follows: F… and Kill?

If the monster in It Follows kills whomever you have sex with, then would it have to kill itself if you had sex with it?

Pennywise: F

Dude always carries a rubber, he’s a great dancer and he only comes once every 27 years. Now that’s endurance. So yes, I’d be down to do “It.”


I AM IN NEED OF NFTees 

Hello, Xavier students. My name is Calamari Vespucci, and I am an adjunct professor of New Finance here at Xavier. Now, first off, you might be thinking: “Non-Fungible Tokens? I ain’t got none of those.” Fear not, enbys and gentlemenbys; I am not in search of NFTs, but NFTees: t-shirts of the annoyingly-preachy rapper NF. This is for the fruit of my loins, Calzone. NF is their favorite rapper (I know they have bad taste but I love ‘em only slightly less). It’s their 14th birthday and I want to make it special for my little person.

One of the famed “Bored Ape” NFTs, a perfect example of what I’m NOT looking for.
NF, Calzone’s favorite. Pretty hunky, right? And he’s got some hard bars about Jesus.

If you have any please email me at CRYTPO_CALAMARI@yahoo.com or interrupt my crypto trading class in Smith 417, Fridays at 6-8:30 p.m.


Horoscopes

Aries: October is upon us, so I bet you’re expecting a spooOOooky horoscope. Well, your partner is cheating on you. But in a 🎃spoooOOOoooky🎃 way.

Taurus: It’s official: Clubs can’t travel. This is the perfect time to join the “We Do Nothing But Take a Yearly Trip to Barcelona” Club, as I imagine they have a lot of funds to blow now. 

Gemini: You’re going to have a rough week, but the stars want you to know it’s not their fault. It’s those damn liberals!

Cancer: Don’t let yourself be put in a box. Charles Manson wrote a song for the Beach Boys, and yet everyone just knows him as “that cult guy.”

Leo: Stop leaving your friends on read. That’s the second rudest thing you can do to a friend (behind forcing them to come to your improv show). 

Virgo: You’re cursed: every time you go to say something in class, the person before you will say it first. But your teacher will still call on you, so you’ll just have to sheepishly be like “oh that’s what I was gonna say.” Every. Damn. Class. 

Libra: Your horoscope for this week is in video format, find it at this link: youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

Scorpio: You’ll never meet anyone nicer than the ladies in the sandwich line in the Caf. I mean, Jeff is fine, but a little overrated.

Sagitarrius: You’re gonna get super sick this weekend. Don’t expect sympathy, though; it won’t be COVID-19, and no one gives a hoot about your common cold-catching ass.

Capricorn: You really missed out by not going to the DAYA concert. She did a beautiful rendition of “You Ain’t Gotta Like It ‘cause the Hood Gone Love It” by Jay Rock ft. Kendrick Lamar.

Aquarius: Don’t be afraid to tell your friends their memes suck. If they send those “wholesome” memes that are just a picture of a kitten or something, drop them entirely. 

Pisces: It is your destiny to revive the “Thumb” series of parody movies often played on Cartoon Network in our youth. You know, Thumb Wars, The Godthumb, Frankenthumb, remember those?

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