Features

Back Page 9/23/2021

The Blob Tank

By Avery Strychasz, Staff writer

Following an anonymous tip, we here at The Back Page have uncovered a secret underground organization: The D’Artagnan Investment Fund.

Unlike The D’Artagnan Capital Fund, the investment fund strives to invest money into startups that will improve life for Xavier students. The ideas are pitched to the investors in a similar fashion to the classic show Shark Tank, but due to copyright reasons, it is nothing like Shark Tank.

The cloak and dagger organization has been operating since Xavier’s founding and has been kept alive through generous donations of dining dollars and X Cash.

While the names of the donors are heavily encrypted, after an exhaustive investigation we have reason to believe that they are synonymous with the heavily-lined pockets of Xavier’s beloved mascots.

Listed below are some of the ideas that were pitched to our “blobs” at the last secret pitch meeting:

Food

Papa G’s Pizzeria: Due to a lack of dining options on campus, Papa G’s Pizzeria would give students a blessed gastronomical experience like no other.

Carnival Cookies Constantly: CCC is a subscription-based service that allows Xavier students to get their favorite dessert whenever they want for the low cost of $59.99 per month.

Clubs/Organizations

S.N.A.C: It’s like SAC but tastier.

S.G.A.: The investors were just going to give them money to start over. They felt bad.

Xavier’s Competitive Eating Team: Zinzinnati is home to the National Bratwurst Eating Competition hosted during Oktoberfest. Xavier is home to world class athletes. Put the two together, and you have a recipe for success.

Tech

Four Factor Authentication: Because two factors weren’t annoying enough. Four Factor Authentication requires you to do the two current steps, plus recite the Jesuit values and do the hokey pokey while blindfolded.

The ALL Chip: Tired of getting locked out of your room because you forgot your ALL Card? With The ALL chip that will physically never happen again because it is implanted in your hand.

Horoscopes

Aries: Go see the Don’t Tell Anna improv show on Friday. Multiple senior members have cited The Back Page as a major source of comedic inspiration. 

Taurus: You’re leaving the HUB when a dude you know walks in. You’re tempted to ask if he’s going to exercise. Resist this temptation! The HUB has many functions, and this dude may be coming to get an Oktoberfest currywurst removed from his ass. 

Gemini: Your jazz band sounds great… mostly. You’ve got to kick out that ginger kid. He’s got no soul. 

Cancer: Study abroad next semester. You could go to France, Italy — wherever! Just don’t go to Germany. Those idiots celebrate Oktoberfest in September!

Leo: It’s getting a little chilly, so bundle up! No one wants to see your nipples poking through your shirt, Jacob.

Virgo: Another year’s gone by, and you missed the career fair again. Don’t worry, you can still go to the career carnival next week, and I hear that one has a merry-go-round. 

Libra: If you liked American Idiot, then you’ll love Mamma Mia! They’re basically the same show, except instead of heroin, everyone’s addicted to ‘70s Swedish pop. 

Scorpio: The path to happiness is simple, yet you’ve been ignoring it: Go on YouTube and search “The Blobcast: Season 1, Episode 1,” then watch the video that pops up. Then, on Friday, watch Episode 2. It’s as simple as that. 

Sagittarius: Don’t be a fool in love: Remember we go to a Jesuit university, and that hot guy in your class is more into Jesus than he’ll ever be into you. 

Capricorn: Join the Xavier Socialists’ Club; not for the socialism, but simply because they serve better snacks then the College Republicans. They’re more evenly distributed, too. 

Aquarius: Just because your siblings get more attention than you doesn’t mean you’re not amazing in your own right. You’re like the High School Musical 3 of your family. 

Pisces: It’s a good thing you didn’t take your girlfriend to the Jonas Brothers concert. You would have lost her to Nick Jonas. Girls can’t get enough of those guys with diabetes! 

Watch The Blobcast

Sketches and improv and music, oh my! Check out the new variety show from the loons behind the Back Page on Newswire’s YouTube channel by clicking on this link: https://youtu.be/2yYl_QXNixE! New episodes drop every other Friday.

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