Back Page 09/28/22

God Rest the Queen

By Logan Davis, Guest Writer

Following the tragic and untimely death of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, much ado has been made of the future of the British Commonwealth.

While I view any negative conversations about the outcome of this great Kingdom as utterly disrespectful to the memory of our glorious Queen, I feel it is my duty to respond, in turn, to these presumptions of the future of our entombed Queen’s commonwealth and now that the BBC’s ten-day gag order has been lifted, I finally feel able.

Some commentators have noted that the Great British Commonwealth has been shrinking over the past few years, with just 15 Commonwealth realms recognizing the monarch (Queen Elizabeth) as their head of state. Commonwealth states have increasingly been forced to respond to a desire to confront the issue of the history of colonialism and its ties to the commonwealth, culminating with referendums in which they abandon the queen as their head of state and become republics.

I am writing not to attempt to convince these states to retract their positions and rename the queen as their head of state. No, rather, I am here to present an opportunity, an interpretation of the commonwealth that is future centric and open to all.

It is true that the commonwealth originated with Queen Elizabeth, with the glorious queen creating the term in Canada in the late 1950s. And it is true that with such, much of the glory, respect and desire to look favorably on the commonwealth stemmed almost entirely from the respect shown towards her majesty the queen.

But, our cruel god has taken the queen from us, and with it presented an opportunity to allow the commonwealth to move forward. I propose a new commonwealth in which instead of viewing the sitting British monarch as the head of state, the new Elizabethan Commonwealth would always honor the memory of her majesty queen Elizabeth II.

Since our dear queen is no longer on this mortal plane, and since the commonwealth was created and maintained by her and her aura, modifying the nature of the commonwealth to an Elizabethan focused one would ensure the commonwealth continues for unchecked centuries.

Any country that sent a state representative to Elizabeth’s funeral would be eligible and encouraged to join. And! Such would eliminate the issue of colonization since Elizabeth never colonized anyone herself directly.

All hail the queen, and the new Elizabethan commonwealth.

By Briana Dunn, cartoonist.

Queen Julie is Alive and Well

In recent news, you may have heard of the Queen of England’s tragic passing. Fear not, the true Queen, Julie Andrews, is still alive and well! How could she be the true Queen? There are a plethora of words to describe the elegance and magnificence she brings to the table. If you’re still not convinced, join me on this amazing journey to help you recognize the wonderful woman that is Julie Andrews.

Not only is she a metaphorical queen who enchants and charms with every step, but she is also the Queen of Genovia which is not only a huge deal but also has to qualify her as the true Monarch. She has royalty flowing through her veins. From the lessons she gives in Princess Diaries alone, you can hear and see the divine eloquence and majestic nature she presents herself with. The title Queen of Genovia alone should be enough to outshine the title that is Queen of England.

No one is more iconic than her majesty Julie. Some, including me, would even label her as a girl boss. Just like any true leader she has many quotes that will uplift the mind, body and spirit. For instance, a famous line by her: “Perseverance is failing nineteen times and succeeding the twentieth.”. What an absolute truth bomb that is. The words of Julie could make me want to run through a brick wall, ponder on my life choices or even sob uncontrollably for hours. Her words are crisp and refreshing like an ice-cold glass of tea on a summer day.

Let’s step away from the Queen of England topic and jump to another quote-on-quote Queen: Beyonce. Some think she has the best vocals of anyone. I urge those people to listen to the beautiful voice that is Julie Andrews. Her music and voice are so touching it could turn the darkest, gloomiest night into a glorious evening. Her delivery on every verse is unmatched with her unbridled enthusiasm she brings to every note. It’s enough to make the hair on your arms stand up with literal goosebumps. Queen B’s songs simply do not match the range of emotions felt. While it is unfair to compare someone to the ever-wonderful Julie Andrews, I find it needed in order to really emphasize the influence Mrs. Andrews has on society.

Whether it’s an actual queen, Queen, or a metaphorical queen, Julie Andrews unequivocally surpasses all of them. She is an icon, a leader and most importantly, the true queen.


Aries: You’re never going to be TikTok famous. Stop trying. 

Taurus: Take care of yourself. Pop some Vitamin C. 

Gemini: If you decide to watch the new Dahmer show on Netflix, don’t do it by yourself. 

Cancer: It’s Libra retrograde season or something, so watch out for Libras. 

Leo: Delete Tinder already. Nothing good will come out of it. 

Virgo: If you’ve been hating on country music, stop. Give Zach Bryan or Tyler Childers a try. 

Libra: Now that the weather is nice, maybe it’s time to try natural deodorant. 

Scorpio: If you’ve been debating how much to spend on your Halloween costume, yolo. #retailtherapy

Sagittarius: Tell your roommate how much the dishes on the sink bother you. 

Capricorn: Write that essay. The one that you’ve just been thinking about for two weeks. 

Aquarius: If I see you with one of those wire cat ear headbands, it’s on sight. Take it off. 

Pisces: In case you missed it, JoJo Siwa is officially a homewrecker.