Back Page 09/21/22

Christian girl autumn

By Molly Hulligan, Head Copy Editor

Ugg boots. These are foundational. Specifically that weird tan color that doesn’t really match anything yet simultaneously matches everything. God will kiss the ground you walk on. You’re a certified Christian girly if you’re stepping out of the house in these. Bonus points if your Uggs have fuzz sticking out the top and/or a purely decorative button on the outside. 

Skinny jeans. Are they cheugy? Yes. But they’re part of the uniform. Is “cheugy”, cheugy? Yes. But, it’s a requirement of my article assignment. Anyway, get to shopping. Frankly, I have no idea where one can purchase skinny jeans — but my gut instinct is telling me Aeropostale. Start there. It just feels right. 

Infinity scarf. Because God’s love is infinite. T-shirt dresses or sweater dresses. Like wearing a regular, oversized t-shirt except it’s less Adam Sandler and more Billie Eilish. If-have-no-definitive-shape-ya’ll-can’t-hate but with the goal of being church appropriate, one can only presume. Don’t forget the bike shorts under it, though. It doesn’t matter that the dress goes down to your knees. Not even a God-sent gust of wind will catch the Christian girlies lacking this fall. 

Unnatural curly hair. Specifically the wand curl. You know the type — where the curl pattern in question is so artificial every strand is an exact replica of the next. Again: it’s impressive. It’s the kind of consistency Xavier men’s basketball fired — I mean, mutually parted ways with — Travvy Daddy Steele to find. Anyway! Don’t forget the dramatic side part for this one or it doesn’t count! I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. 🙂 

Regular-length shirts. I honestly have no clue how the Christian girlies are finding full-length shirts. I haven’t seen a non-cropped shirt in stores since 2013. Depop, mayhaps? Ebay? Either way, it’s impressive and it’s niche. Good for them. 

Abnormally long cardigans. If it’s not borderline scraping the ground when you walk, return it and try again. I don’t care. You’re part of this team, we’re staying until the routine is clean. 

Hat options include: The chilly-season beanie with the big ass fuzzy ball on top (for what). Fuzz ball tempting, but don’t count out those one specific hats that aren’t exactly a cowboy hat but also not a fedora; they sit at that weird liminal space in which one must ask the question: what occasion would call for these? Nevertheless, they are prevalent in Christian girl culture. A must-have, God-willing of course. 

Knee-high boots. You know, to wear over your skinny jeans! The pointy toe shape is a requirement. Stray as far from what’s in right now, take three more steps and you’re there — new boot goofin’. Flannels. Worn by many, werked by so few. The few in question? You guessed it — the Christian girlies. No other demographic is wearing these so intently. A soft serve to grab some soft serve at their local DQ or whatever. I don’t know. I’m just trying to hit the word count at this point. 

A Starbucks cup — specifically of the hot-bev variety. Never have I ever seen a Christian girl in autumn with an iced coffee. It’s mysterious. What’s in that cup is between her and God. But me, you and the Lord all know, whatever it is, it’s a casual 1000 degree beverage, sipped without so much as a wince by the Christian girlies as a collective. It’s kind of giving dark magic, sold-my-soul voodoo vibes if you ask me. But maybe they’re just built different. Stronger. Divinely favored, perhaps.

Horoscopes

Aries: You are pumpkin spice pringles. 

Taurus: You are pumpkin spice cold foam. 

Gemini: You are pumpkin spice caramel corn. 

Cancer: You are the pumpkin spice goldfish and Dunkin’ pumpkin spice collab. 

Leo: You are the dreaded Native brand pumpkin spice deodorant. 

Virgo: You are the Pumpkin Pecan Waffles candle. But not in your dorm room, that’s prohibited. 

Libra: You are the most basic of basic: the pumpkin spice latte. 

Scorpio: You are a pumpkin spice bagel. 

Sagittarius: You are the pumpkin spice body glitter spray from Bath and Body Works. 

Capricorn: You are the pumpkin spice Hostess cupcakes. 

Aquarius: You are pumpkin spice hummus. 

Pisces: You are pumpkin spice cream cheese spread.