Don’t You Look Back
By Briana Dunn, Staff Writer
Ladies, gentlemen and all the non-gender conforming folks, please, for the love of all things sane, do not go back to your ex.
I don’t care if they “didn’t” cheat on you, didn’t do anything wrong, are fictional or real, you dated them or not or that you are in total denial of every single red flag that they showed. Seriously, the number of red flags you ignored is obscene. They were a walking red flag. I get it, and I don’t blame you. It’s hard to move on from your trash can of an ex. Here are a few tips to avoid your blast from the past.
First, all bodies are beautiful, but yours looks better than theirs, so you need a revenge body. I don’t know about you, but if I’m getting over my ex, I’m going to look good doing it. Channel your inner Princess Diana and show your Prince Charles what they missed out on. Eat every single meal you desire, especially those they didn’t approve of, or I guess you could work out. No offense though, I’d probably just eat whatever I want and not go to the gym. Wear that dress, suit or even those pajama pants that you haven’t washed in months. Show them you have the confidence and swagger they thought they took away from you.
Second, burn any and all reminders of them, especially photos. Okay, maybe that’s a bit too harsh, but at the very least you need to get rid of them. Find an old shoebox, dump all your keepsakes from your past relationship in it and stick that box in the deepest darkest depths of your attic. Anywhere you won’t go to open it often. Do this with your feelings too. Bottle them up until you don’t even realize what the problem is.
If you didn’t hear the sarcasm in that line, please go back and read it in a sarcastic tone, then go book a therapy appointment to discuss your feelings.
Third, why go back to the same person when you can upgrade? Nothing is sweeter than dating a person with the same name that somehow completely upstages your ex. It’s understandable if you don’t want a relationship so soon either, so you could just take a break and focus on yourself. No relationship is worth losing you over.
There are so many more reasons I could list, but remember, friends, crying is cool. So, go have a cry and, for the love of all our souls, do not go back to your ex.
Horoscopes
Aries: Actually try to sleep this fall break. You look like you could use it.
Taurus: Why are the Halloween Oreos better than the regular ones?
Gemini: Please stop texting the groupchat with the Game Pigeon games.
Cancer: Stop taking your BeReal late, when you look cool. Bffr.
Leo: If you’ve never eaten in the Caf by yourself, grow up.
Virgo: No more throwing up in the Yard.
Libra: No more devious licking exit signs and hand sanitizer dispensers.
Scorpio: Venmo your friends for the Uber.
Sagittarius: Whore is an acceptable word if you use it affectionately. Like, “awh, you whore.”
Capricorn: Stop telling them you’re fine. You’re not fine baby, and that is okay.
Aquarius: Walking to Starbucks is basically the same as going to the gym. #bodypositivity
Pisces: Pick a campus celebrity crush. It makes everything more interesting.
Singles
By Kyra Hudson, Staff Writer
It’s your time to shine, my friend. Here are seven deadly steps for what to do to be the best version of yourself:
- Burn their pictures and any memories you have. We start a new era now.
- Cry. Let it all out and decompress.
- Have a self-care day, or two. Take some time to heal yourself.
- Call your friends for help. Surround yourself with people who bring out your best self, and nothing less.
- Dress up and look fabulous for going out or for no reason at all.
- Know that all of this is for you and your well-being. Not for someone who couldn’t see how amazing you are.
- Now get out there and be your best, and hottest self.