by Charlie Gainor, Staff Writer

We have been tricked. Conditioned by the media for far too long. For years, we’ve let Big Pant hold a fascist and unwavering grip on fashion, telling us that autumn is the time to stop wearing shorts and wear the denim prisons they call jeans. Well, my friends, now is the time to fight back with the greatest weapon of revolution that will serve as a rallying cry for generations to come: the jorts.

Back in the days where we were all passive sheeple when it came to the ridiculous fashion choice of pants covering the legs, we just nodded our heads allowed them to tell us that we needed our legs to be “protected during the winter.” Centuries upon centuries of evolution have brought about the human race glorious, chiseled calves that are meant to be flexed and shown to the world, while we have our trousered overlords feeding into our brains the belief that pants are “stylish” and “come with pockets.” They tell us to put “comfortability” over individuality and “practicality” over personality. Well, no more, I say! Now weaponized with an infallible rallying cry for justice and denimocracy, we will break the cuffs that pant-skewed capitalism holds on us once and for all.

And this symbol shall be none other than the jorts — which of course stand for “Jubilantly Overthrowing Restrictive Trouser Suppression.” These glorious creations are a gateway into a perfect world where calves are free to breathe, combined with the comfort of the sleek denim and pockets of the dastardly jeans. It’s a beautiful sight indeed, breaking free of Big Pant’s demand for fabric that extends from the kneecap to the ankle. For centuries, our trouserlords have commanded that we wear only pants on special occasions like your best friend’s wedding. But now is not the time to succumb to societal standards in an tyrannical trouser market. Now is the time to free the leg, shaved or not, and let your calves be free to pursue their own American dream.

Big Pant will tell you that only certain pants are acceptable with other clothes. You mustn’t wear jeans with your tuxedo, they say. Wearing your neon green running pants to a relative’s funeral is “unclassy” and “weird,” they tell you. Well, fear not, calf freedom fighters, because the jorts are universal. They don’t discriminate. They don’t care if you are a CEO or skateboarder, lawyer or lifeguard. With jorts, everything is free below the knee and you look just as stylish.  Rocking the jorts is the true American style. If the Founding Fathers were still alive today, they would see a picture of Justin Bieber wearing jorts, a denim fanny pack and a shirt he definitely paid $50 too much for on Etsy and weep at how much of a Canadian icon he is. Justin is a Belieber in the free fibia and we should be too.

I want you to take a moment and imagine yourself in a world where jorts are the norm. Where every calf is able to take in the sunlight and enjoy the pleasures of life without being trapped in a suffocating denim casket. This is a world where we are not forced to be “mindful” or “demure” about trousering up our beautiful legs. This is a world broken free from the chains of Big Pant, where individuality and leg hairs reign supreme.

The time has come, once and for all, to take up arms (and lower legs) in the fight. Don’t just sit there in your soulless slacks and your demoralizing denim. Find your nearest pairs of scissors and liberate your legs. Feed the scraps into the fire of your hearts. Invest in those pairs of pants at Costco with zippers on the legs that let you take the leggings off! They may look as stupid wearing them as they do on the shelf, but do it anyway in the name of freedom! Now is the time to show Big Pant that we will no longer be just threads woven into their suppression! Rise, zip your flys and take your legs to the skies! Together with jorts, we shall make calves great again!