by Ben Dickison, Back Page Editor

This past Saturday, a swath of Xavier students indulged in one of America’s most beloved pastimes: a cheeky round of golf. Saturday’s game was anything but par for the course, though. Join me for a recap of some of this weekend’s most memorable moments that will be the talk of campus as students get back into the swing of the school year.

Students from far and wide congregated at a smattering of driving ranges littered throughout Norwood to make sure they were primed for a nine-hole marathon that would ensue throughout the day. 

It seemed that most golfers booked a tee time around 2 p.m. While one may have expected some skirmishes over whose turn it would be to pull out their driver and start their game, a sense of harmony and community prevailed. Some golfers even took to dabbling in more extreme sports, such as climbing trees and caddyshacks to get a better view of the on course action. 

The round seemed to attract a crowd that expanded into areas of the animal kingdom outside the human race. A golden doodle seemed to find its way to a skybox on hole 2, where players below paid homage to one of man’s best friends. Some swine and chicken- were also in attendance, at the concession stands lining the fairway and brought to players and patrons via cart. Moist and flavorful pulled pork sandwiches cost only five dollars, making them a crowd favorite. Many players also indulged in a two-for-six dollar deal on freshly grilled glizzies. Rumors of an appearance from Joey Chestnut at next year’s competition have begun to swirl. Just last week, Chestnut set a new world record for most wieners consumed in ten minutes (with 84).

After a dogleg left onto Regent Avenue, a few players seemed to be stuck in a sand trap after the third hole, with stamina reaching critically low levels. However, almost every player managed to make a quick up-and-down that allowed to progress to the  legendary fourth hole, known to course locals as El Dorado. It is a challenging par three with a narrow fairway located directly next to a beautiful home some have called the Eighth Wonder of the World.

 While its stressful enough for a player to steer clear of hitting a house that one day will likely be deemed a national historic site, a much more daunting, yet melodic, distraction was present to compete for the focus of each player: the Dugan Brothers Band. It seems the course is dealing with an intense uptick in an invasive species rarely founded in courses located around college campuses: talented musicians. What makes these musicians so recognizable is their ability to bring the house down by putting their own twist on both classic rock hits and bangers that help the youthful players reminisce of their upbringing in the early 21st century. Some patrons reported hearing  exhilarating mating calls to the tune of “It Gives You Hell” by the All-American Rejects, “Zombie” by the Cranberries and even “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. While these species are invasive, they seem to be widely appreciated and even harmonized with by players and patrons alike. 

Unfortunately, it seems that players on other nearby courses have taken issue to the species prominent on fairways of Cleneay Avenue. After a symphony broke out between the band and players, a group of Game Wardens showed up to clear out the disturbance coming from the right of the fairway. In a beautiful show of interspecies co-existence, a brave group of patrons advocated for the musicians. As a result, the musicians were allowed to perform an adaptation of “Freebird” that was widely enjoyed by the patrons without intervention or capture.

The remaining holes were filled with exciting fanfare and socialization in lieu of the exciting events that had just occurred. Only one more report of a wild musician surfaced, with players around hole five reporting what sounded like a raging DJ set. The players rounded out an exciting round with a social at the clubhouse, known as Dana Gardens to locals.