by Luca Filigenzi, Local News Editor

Ah, Valentine’s Day. A day when crushes are acted on and relationships blossom. Crushes, for those who don’t know, are basically when you get the butterflies in your stomach around one person and want to spend more time with them.

But that isn’t the type of crush we’ll be talking about today. No, we will be ranking some other (arguably better) crushes that have had an undefinably large impact on my life, and I know it’s the same for others. 

3rd Place: “Crush” (2022)

The movie “Crush” was released in 2022, and stars Rowan Blanchard of “Girl Meets World” fame, along with the voice actress for “Moana”Auli’i Cravalho. It centers around a quirky high school love triangle, with true friendship and love being discovered. Fun story— too bad the script is kinda sh*t. It’s your run-of-the-mill Netflix style rom-com that doesn’t really understand how people talk. Think of “Tall Girl” (2019) or “The Kissing Booth” (2018). Hence its third place ranking on this list. There’s not much to recommend from this film unless you and a group of friends are looking for something stupid to make fun of. Which to be fair, can be a really great experience, so thanks for that “Crush 2022”. 

2nd Place: Crush Soda

The famous orange soda brand and Fanta rip-off is actually not that bad, and has an interesting history. For instance, did you know that Crush was introduced 30 years before Fanta and wasn’t invented by Nazis? It’s also created by the same company that owns Dr. Pepper, which is owned by the same company that owns Panera, which is owned by the same company that owns “Euro-Disney.” Weird. 

Anyways, while Crush is known primarily for its orange flavor, it actually has dozens of other unique flavors like grape, blue raspberry, cherry, chocolate, pomegranate, Lime Rickey and Sour Patch Kids. They range in quality from pretty good to monkey piss. So taking the average of those, you’re left with a 7/10 soda, highly recommended for cheap birthday parties and southern office break rooms. 

1st Place: Crush the Sea Turtle

There never really was a contest as to who would get first place. The epoch of the name Crush and one of the best characters to come from the “Finding Nemo” Cinematic Universe (FNCU). He’s a chill sea turtle that helps our main character Marlin find his lost boy Nemo. Crush also imparts some deep parental advice to our clownfish protagonist.

In regards to when it’s safe to let your child go into the world, he told our hero, “Well you never really know, but when they know, you’ll know y’know?” Amazing. He also has a really cool exhibit at Disney World. Look it up, it’s worth a few laughs. 

Well, I hope this brought some insight on this week of Valentine’s Day, no matter what path in life we walk, one crush or another can have an impact on our lives. If you know another type of crush that you want ranked, please, write it down and slip it under the Newswire office door for next year’s Valentine’s Day.