by Luca Filigenzi, Local News Editor

Ah, the Presidents. To some, they’re heroes who defy what most people think is possible. To others, they’re only names you need to remember to pass an APUSH midterm. Regardless, with Presidents Day gone and past and March Madness getting closer and closer, it got me thinking… which President would be the best at shooting hoops? 

So when drafting for the “Federal Free Throwers” I’m breaking it down into four tiers: Last Pick, 3rd round draft, 2nd round draft, and the Jordan tier (self-explanatory). Now, I will avoid talking about any president from the 21st century, as to avoid splitting hairs by saying which living presidents (who I’m sure read Newswire) could/could not dunk.

Last Pick

I hate to do it to him, but it’s gonna be FDR. Polio is kind of a deal breaker if you’re trying to play basketball. Not far above him is William Henry Harrison, the first president to die in office only 30 days after being sworn in. Now I know I said I’d take it, on the first day in office, but he was already pretty old. If a flu can take you out, getting your ankles checked even once would probably knock you out of the game. 

Third Round

Call me crazy but I’m gonna go with Reagan. He’s definitely a sleeper pick and he’s old, but his “dribble down economics” style where the ball trickles down on your head after a dunk is an absolute finisher. Then we got Taft, because you know I gotta mention the only Cincinnati president. Now when your most famous achievement as president is getting stuck in a tub, you can’t really be a runner. But you can be a wall, and teams need that for defense. 

Second Round

Give me Thomas Jefferson: one of our tallest presidents and a fair outdoorsman. What really sets him apart, though, is his ability to talk smack to his opponents. Just look at some of his letters to Adams. Another Southerner, Andrew Jackson is coming at the top of this tier. Being the most violent president to ever live, he would be a great attack dog for a team to have, dueling the other team’s point guard and taking out a better player than himself is clutch.

Jordan Tier / The Goats

I know I can only talk about so many presidents, but only two made this list, period. 2nd place has to go to Theodore “the Situation” Roosevelt. Avid sh*t-talker and sportsman, the dude got shot and still talked smack, there is nothing you can do against him except cover your ears and try and guard Chester Arthur or something. 

First Place

For quality in the White House and the court must go to Honest Abe Lincoln. The tallest president, strong as an ox, is making every three-pointer he takes, no question. But he’s humble too, getting endorsements and money for the team, it’s no question with these two. 

Overall, I’m pretty satisfied with this list. We got a little bit of the Lebron effect, getting carried by the top tiers, but I challenge any team on earth to try and dunk on Abraham Lincoln.