by Marty Dubecky, Staff Writer

The following executive orders are satirical. This is not meant to be accurate; it is meant to make fun. Unless you do not believe in the media, in which case these are all accurate and factually grounded. Believe Newswire or not, these are the newest Executive Orders of current president Donald J. Trump. 

Since his inauguration, president Trump has been ensuring his first 100 days are memorable. This includes Executive Orders that are making some Americans scratch their heads and others rub their bellies and lick their chops. This is a breakdown of the most important and least reported Executive Orders of 2025.

“The Cutlery Act” 

As of a week ago President Trump has officially outlawed all use of forks and spoons. In an act guided by DOGE and his most trusted advisors, Trump has made the move to ensure America’s official cutlery tool is the spork. Trump spoke to other White House officials stating that the spork is easily the most efficient of the eating utensils and that American citizens could learn a thing or two from the spork. He believes the spoons and forks of America should go out of circulation around the same time as the penny. 

“White House Revamp” 

Speculation has begun about Trump’s revamp of the current White House. Insider voices have stated that Trump is unhappy with the current state of things for many reasons. There is no golf course, there are only three stories, there is a lack of gold and the US Navy has yet to install their laser cannons on the roof. He plans a completely new structure to be put in place of the old house, complete with a zoning-law-breaking 20 floors and pink marble atrium. 

Repeal of the “Great American Nap Act” 

Trump’s major initiative was to rid America of the “detrimental” decisions former president Joe Biden made. In the spirit of undoing all Biden accomplished, Trump is officially in the process of repealing Biden’s little-known Great American Nap Act. While not followed by most Americans, Biden gave the three-o’clock armchair nap a legal precedent in his third year after he was getting really tired during his long days. This was speculated to be partially inspired by the siesta, except reports have stated that the former president usually would not wake up again until “Jeopardy” came on. To encourage the grind mentality amongst Americans, Trump is working to outlaw all three o’clock naps. While punishments are still being speculated, few sources have noted Trump’s favorable attitude towards the death penalty. 

Renaming Washington, D.C. 

After his success. with the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, and Mt. Denali back to Mt. McKinley, Trump looks to continue his renaming of major sites. His sights are now set on Washington D.C. Major news outlets have been cited saying that Trump is expressing confusion as to why Diet Coke has anything to do with George Washington. Trump is looking back at America’s past to rename the nation’s capital after a historical figure not so antiquated. General Robert E. Lee and former president Herbert Hoover are frontrunners right now. 

“Free Labor to Encourage Industrial Growth” Act 

With high foreign tariffs and an emphasis on the growth of American Industry, former businessman and current president Trump has come up with a solution. Trump is looking at making certain types of labor free to acquire for major American manufacturers. This would encourage business owners to acquire more and more laborers while allowing them not to shell out more and more cash. While the laborers’ origins are still unknown, Trump promises a full force of them. 

“New Flag Initiative” 

Trump is reported to have been in several meetings with several of the U.S.’s top graphic designers in order to design a new and personalized American Flag. White House insiders have told many venerable news sources that the current president would like to replace the 50 stars with 50 little pictures of his head. 

“America the Predator” 

After looking to slash U.S.A.I.D. budgets and establish a new image of America abroad, Trump is taking another look at America’s national animal, the bald eagle. Reports have shown Trump visiting the D.C. zoo six times in the last few weeks, paying special attention to the badger exhibits. Some insiders have noted Trump is expressing the sentiment that a badger could totally beat a bald eagle in a fight, and this is how America needs to be perceived internationally. 

“Americans Serving Sitizens Hoo Only Live Excessively”

Trump is forming a new group, similar to DOGE, in order to help out those who fall in the 1% financially. His new coalition, Americans Serving Sitizens Hoo Only Live Excessively, will aim their efforts at stealing from the poor to feed the rich. The rich get hungry too, right? 

General Education Reforms 

In addition to making changes to the general American health guidelines and focusing on slashing the governmental budget, Trump is also focusing his efforts on reforming American education. Trump has been concerned for weeks, according to various sources, that the American literacy rate is simply too high. If more and more citizens can read, write and perform simple critical thinking, how will the government be able to control them? The many educational reforms Trump is making are as follows: 

Private school numbers to rise, public schools to close. 

Teachers are not required to have degrees in education, but must have certifications in propaganda production. 

Extra recess (this one actually rocks).

Beef liver and raw milk lunches instead of Bosco or French toast sticks.