by Rory McNelley, Staff Writer

Have you ever wondered why the McDonald’s ice cream machine is always broken? A confidential inside source has leaked the Shamrock Shake recipe, which may give us a clue to what the holdup is.

The Shamrock Shake consists of four ingredients that create the delicious March treat we all enjoy. The four ingredients are hard to find; this may be why the machine is always broken. Rumors say some workers never return from their sojourn to the machine.

1. The Tears of the Leprechaun

This first ingredient takes a seasoned McDonald’s employee to cultivate it. You cannot make the Leprechaun cry by being mean; it won’t be easy to ask for their tears after that. You have to tell a touching anecdote about life and love. It needs to be something so touching that you bring the Leprechaun to tears. Five-to-seven teardrops are necessary for one shake.

2. Mike Wazowski’s Sweat

A friendly green face is crucial to the shake process. You have to catch Mike after a long day at the scream factory. He is sweaty, tired and ready for the ice-cold beer waiting for him at home. You must stop him on the way to his car to collect his sweat, but don’t sneak up on him as he scares easy. Mike’s sweat is a key flavor component.

3. Grass from the Hills of Ireland

Next, the McDonald’s worker must climb to the top of the hills that line Ireland’s landscape. At the very top you can find the  Mcgreenest of McGrasses. You must collect 32 blades of McGrass along with the morning dew that covers them. This adds texture to our delicious treat.

4. Three of Shrek’s Slugs, Bugs and Snails

This last ingredient gives the shake its substance. When mixed with the other components of texture and flavor, the masterpiece comes together. In the movies, Shrek enjoys a combination of slugs, bugs and snails which are all needed for our recipe. Our trusty McDonald’s worker must sneak into the swamp and collect the creatures without disturbing our Ogre friend.

Once all four ingredients have been collected, they can finally be placed in the machine to produce the delectable nectar we enjoy for just a few weeks each year. So, when you pull into the drive thru and they tell you the machine is broken, it’s not. But they can’t tell you that the new hire is stuck comforting a crying Leprechaun or got lost looking for the perfect blades of grass in Ireland. The moral of the story,enjoy that shake. It took blood, sweat and tears (literally) to make.