SATIRE

By Kayleb Blanton, Staff Writer  

Last Wednesday around 7 p.m., the Xavier Commons Apartments caught fire, forcing the residents to evacuate.  

As word spread, many theories as to what caused the fire to spread: anything from a student leaving the stove on or an air fryer malfunction. Some floated the prospect of a pyroflatulence incident gone wrong.  

Shortly after the Xavier University Police Department (XUPD) and Norwood Fire Department left the scene, Xavier Newswire sent private investigators to the apartment to inspect the damage.  

Here is what they reported:  

• The wood of the door was broken around the handle. 

• Ash and black wax covered the floor and smoke residue lined the walls. 

• The fire extinguisher was tucked away in the corner. 

• The scent of incense and the aroma of blueberry and vanilla, lingered in the air. 

• The most damning item recovered was a scorched and torn University of Cincinnati (UC) hoodie. It was deserted in the ruined kitchen positioned in the middle of the debris. Upon further inspection, blue fibrous tufts and small serrated teeth were found caught on the fabric. 

This begs the question — who was at the dorm and what exactly were they trying to do?  

When asked, Xavier University Admin said that Newswire would not be allowed to access the video footage. However, through some data sleuthing Newswire did find some heavily blurred video footage.  

While the video footage was subpar, Newswire was able to acquire some student testimony — largely inconclusive, with one exception: without prompting, three students reported seeing a group in dark robes leaving the building before the alarms went. 

One said they saw the group heading north up St. Francis Xavier Way near Husman Hall. Another student commented on how the group seemed to be glancing around as if looking for something. The last student stated they saw clumps of short blue hair stuck near a sewer drain. 

Since the incident, students, teachers and staff have been raising complaints around campus. 

The freshmen are dissatisfied with the rapid shrinking of their class size. Some of the students Newswire interviewed stated that their friends have left the school with little to no notice. Attempts to contact those who left have been largely unsuccessful. 

The upper classmen and teachers have noted that the sewers smell worse than normal — an odd sickly-sweet rot has replaced the normal, awful smell.  

Staff are complaining about the layoff increase; the janitorial and grounds keeping staff are having a hard time keeping up with the increased workload – both from the decrease in the labor force and increase in workload. 

 “I just don’t know, something’s up with this place, man. I’m spraying down bloody concrete every other day from ‘scrapes’ and ‘bloody noses;’ these kids must be on blood thinners or something, because you’re not supposed to bleed that much from that kind of stuff” one exasperated staff member lamented. 

XUPD published a formal statement to assure the student body that nothing was out of the ordinary except for the fire and that they are now implementing new fire safety guidelines for the Commons Apartments.  

Rumors have been circulating about the recent events – the blue fur and blood around campus, the uncontactable student dropouts and the increasing rate of staff exodus. There are whispers around campus of a large blue figure with a huge tongue stalking around campus leaving in its wake blue fuzz and a sanguine substance. 

While the case remains open, there has been a suspicious increase in blue blob sightings outside of sanctioned events, and those who see it claim it smells sickly-sweet, like blueberries, vanilla and rot.